Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I know many of you are wondering what is really happening in our country. I really share your concerns.
As your leader, it should be my sole responsibility to explain a few things, so that when you get to the grassroots, you won’t look or sound foolish before the people.
I remember warning you, after winning the July 31, 2013 harmonised elections with such a run-away margin, that we could not afford to rest on our laurels as the enemy was re-strategising . . . that we needed to master the art of sleeping with one eye wide open, and walking with our back firmly against the wall.
This is exactly what I was referring to.
Very reliable information coming from our very reliable intelligence team has just confirmed my suspicions . . . that the British and their ugly American cousins are behind all the crises the country is facing today, from the massive job losses, to the shortage of Jet A1 fuel at Air Zimbabwe, to house demolitions, to the vendor menace, to food shortages . . . all problems you can think of!
The idea is to cause social unrest and trigger regime change, the same way these evil forces did in the so-called Arab Spring in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya and such other countries.
After realising that they could not topple our government through their puppets at Harvest House as shown by the overwhelming numbers that voted for the great revolutionary party, they went back to the drawing board whence they returned with a new strategy … to foster civil unrest.
They had hoped their Occupy Africa Unity Square movement would catch fire, but it did not. And then they decided to stage the disappearance of the project front man, that Dzamara bozo, in the hope of inciting the people into civil disobedience, but hardly anyone of substance noticed . . . until possibly when that French ambassador decided to try some mischief.
According to my intelligence sources, it was then decided that the shortest route to civil unrest is to cause as many Zimbabweans as possible to be jobless . . . this was to be done concomitant with closing other avenues through which our people earn a decent living in the informal sector.
The strategy involves paying employers very large sums of money to close their businesses — the same way these people do when they subsidise their farming or other areas of the economy… that explains why so many companies have inexplicably closed in the past two years.
When they realised that there was resistance on the part of a majority of company owners, then it was decided that the employers be paid large sums of money in exchange for dismissing their workers. This is what has been happening of late . . . the bigger the number dismissed, the larger the payout from these people.
You see the local authorities that are controlled by the MDC-T? All of a sudden, they started making vending illegal . . . it is part of the same agenda.
In Harare and Chitungwiza, they have even started destroying houses.
They have been interfering with our efforts to import grain into the country.
Remember that our same shameless detractors once did worse things than these . . . when they would pay our international oil suppliers double or more and persuade them not to make any deliveries to us, sometimes even going to the extent of diverting ships already on their way to Beira.
You remember it when the British caused severe cash shortages when they were buying our banknotes from the streets and burning them?
That is the same strategy they are trying right now.
Some of their local runners are pretending to be vendors and have been trying their best to stoke some fires here and there without success.
It is on this basis that you should always be alert. Ask the people to remain calm while the situation is being dealt with at the right levels.
I shall be updating you as the situation progresses . . . but one certain thing is that there will never be an uprising against our government.
…AND CZ’s NOTEBOOK
This week. Only this week! This very week Cde Augustine Chihuri joined his wife, Cde Isabel, in assuming the title Doctor. He joins a host of other Zimbabweans who have assumed this elitist title… the likes of Phillip Chiyangwa, Burombo Mudumo, Oliver Mtukudzi, Ruth Makandiwa, Frank Chitukutuku and several others, a preponderating majority of whom are beneficiaries of Dr Enrico Sibanda’s generous International Institute of Philanthropy.
Reports suggest that very soon, we could be having a Dr Webster Shamu. This now puts tremendous pressure on Dr CZ to up his game and possibly upgrade himself to something not easily within reach of commoners. Starting next week, Dr CZ will be holding outreach programmes — wide and far — to consult his multitude of fans on what title he should assume so that his brand is not cheapened.
He had “Sir” in mind, but maybe “Lord” will do the trick. Let’s see what the outreach “to the people, by the people” brings forth. Once the process is complete, Dr CZ will approach the trusty general delivery university, based in Baja-Arizona in the United States of America to finalise the necessary paper work.
Dr CZ sincerely fears that at the rate at which copycats are catching up, he might soon risk being addressed as God CZ in his desperate attempt to run away from the maddening crowds!
Dr CZ would like to play his part as a dutiful citizen by delivering news that some of our sisters would find blissful . . . news that delegates attending Amnesty International Council Meeting taking place in Dublin this week would be asked to vote on a proposal to recognise prostitution as a human right.
Amnesty is arguing that prostitution is a matter of free choice, a stance heavily promoted by the multibillion-dollar commercial sex industry. The group is putting forth the view that sex work is compatible with the principle of gender equality and non-discrimination, as if it were a job like any other.
Zimbabweans should have every reason to hope that the country is well represented at this very important meeting. Where could our trusty legislator on such matters, Tabitha Khumalo, be?
Dr CZ will be flying in to Ireland to monitor and observe the voting process to ensure that Nikuv does not wreak havoc on the outcome. Let it be known that Dr CZ will be travelling to Dublin, not as an interested party, but just as a mere dispassionate observer.
And someone whispered to Dr CZ this week that inside the next 50 years, sex will have changed from what we know it today as people will be doing it with robots. Don’t ask Yours Truly anything for he is also wondering. The best in matters like these is to take a wait- and-see attitude.
This being the year of education, Dr CZ is so pleased that this week he added two vital facts to his body of knowledge . . . the first one is that the current vendor menace that has plagued this country with such fastness of a savannah tick was unleashed on us by the usual suspects… the British and their American cousins. This is official.
Secondly, Dr CZ learnt it from none other than the Prosecutor General that there is one person in this country who is above the law. It has been a fruitful week in the classroom. Let us see what next week has in store for us.
Maybe Zimbabweans should thank God and the gods that even though he turned 80 last week, Cde Didymus Mutasa does not appear to be tiring from giving fulsome interviews. At the weekend, he granted one more to a local daily. It went thus:
Q: How many children does Didymus Mutasa have?
A: (muses) I have married quite a number of times and I have quite a number of children. My first wife gave me three children and I think those are the best known. Then I married my present wife Gertrude, we have two children together. I also have Sabina with whom I have one child and Sarudzai with whom I have three boys including the last one who is four-years-old.
An 80-year-old chap having toddler children? Maybe that explains something . . . why his relatives reportedly vehemently disowned him, that is if the story we read in the State-media has any scintilla of truth to it. Even if it was Dr CZ’s relative, he could not help but try to put as much distance in-between, lest something rubs of on him.
Indian politician and philosopher Mahatma Gandhi outlined what he described as the “seven deadly or evil sins of the world.” They are as follows:
1. Wealth without work
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce (business) without morality (ethics)
5. Science without humanity
6. Religion without sacrifice
7. Politics without principle.
Indeed the guy had vision. Dr CZ wonders which of the above “sin(s)” is more prevalent in Zimbabwe.