Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I am unable to fully address you this week. You noticed that I was unable to join you in bidding farewell to Cde Shuvai, I am still in a state of shock.
The events of the past week have confirmed what I always warned you about … that never, ever should you rest on your laurels because the brooding enemy that we defeated on the battlefield will always try to get back at us by other means, hence the need to be always vigilant.
I can tell you Cdes that the events moved faster than the days of the week … I don’t need to talk about them, lest I re-live the trauma. All of you know as much as I do how bad the events of the past week have been to me personally, the party and the country. I used to know annus horribilis just as a Latin phrase, but now I know it very, very well! This is one year that I will never forget!
When I arrived back home in the wee hours of Sunday, I went straight to sleep as my bones and mind badly needed the rest. I am yet to fully recover. For the first time in several decades, I really wished my mother were still alive … I needed someone like her to console me … that is how bad things were for me.
What I can confidently assure you my Cdes is that the British and American spy agents were behind everything that happened over the past few days. These are exactly the conditions they create before they topple governments … like they did with Brother Kwame Nkrumah of Ghana, Brother Patrice Lumumba of the Congo and many others. May I ask you Cdes to profusely thank our people on my behalf for remaining calm throughout the period and for not getting carried away into believing that things were what they never were?
Anyway as sages say, that which does not kill you only serves to make you stronger, after this string of nasty events, we are wiser. Challenge accepted!
…AND THE NOTEBOOK
In 1923, whites in Rhodesia got self-rule after rejecting to be part of South Africa. Most of the decisions that the racist colonial settlers made were selfish; there is no doubt about that.
Patriotic as he is, Dr CZ thinks this is one of those selfish decisions that Rhodesians made because, from the look of things, Zimbos just love South Africa so much that it would not have been a very bad idea at all had the country become part of that republic. They go for medical treatment there, they go for business and even family meetings there, they go there to shop for basic foodstuffs, they go for education there, they go for jobs there, they go for marriage there, they go there to hide the loot from their criminal activities, and they go there for anything that one can ever think of.
If South Africa was to close its borders today and ask all Zimbos to leave, there would be real gnashing of teeth because Zimbabwe depends on South Africa so much that it is almost like how a child is dependent on its mother’s milk. Although pride and arrogance may make us think otherwise, but to all intents and purposes, we are just as good as a province of South Africa. We are a very sorry apology for a country!
As we went into the last weekend, those who are good at counting were raising fears that at the rate at which people who matter in this country were gathering in South Africa, there was a real danger of us being suddenly turned into orphans!
Someone who obviously harbours treasonous longings asked what could have become of the country when the President and the Vice President were away in South Africa had the only remaining Vice President, who was acting president, also eaten stale food and needed to be airlifted to our South African hospitals for treatment?
That would have been a disaster of calamitous proportions! Imagine what would have become of us without our owners as nearly happened over the weekend?
When the situation is as fluid as it was in the past few days, government would need to make the best of the services of its best spin doctors … who are able to almost convince the people on the streets that things are not what they actually are, in order to avoid alarm and despondency. Many of Dr CZ’s fans will remember the late Saddam Hussein spin-doctor, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, aka Comical Ali, during the 2003 illegal invasion of Iraq by the United States and Britain, who became an instant hit with global television audiences over his hilarious claims of the situation on the ground. Comical Ali’s pronouncements included claims that American soldiers were committing suicide “by the hundreds” outside Baghdad, and denial that there were any American tanks in the city, when in fact, they were only a few hundred metres away from the press conference where he was speaking and the combat sounds of the approaching American troops could be heard in the background of the broadcast.
Meanwhile, Dr CZ cannot help but have this strange feeling that when the hilarious drama was unfolding across the Limpopo, Cde George Charamba was rubbing his palms gleefully, feeling somehow vindicated … and also wishing the law duly takes its full course!
Another gallant son of the soil, Cde George Rutanhire (born Jackson Musanhu), sadly went to join Mbuya Nehanda and others over the weekend.
While other comrades are swiftly airlifted to foreign hospitals after mysteriously eating stale food, the former deputy minister of youth, sport and culture (1982-84) died at the donor-run Karanda Mission Hospital in Mt Darwin, which is meant to help the poorest of the poor of our community, where he had been taken in an ox-drawn scotch cart.
With cases of criminal neglect such as these, many should now have an idea why Dr CZ decided to dismiss himself from the ruling party! Once your usefulness is spent, you are quickly forgotten out of existence!
However, luckily for him, Cde Rutanhire’s death has gotten him suddenly remembered! He was declared a national hero and all of a sudden he is now such an important person that his body will be lavished with all sorts of luxuries and will be flown across the country in military helicopters and carried on that gun carrier and long speeches made over it. Hundreds of thousands of dollars will be splashed at his funeral yet poverty contributed to if not caused his death. When he was alive, he was only remembered when someone needed someone to do the dirty jobs … like retrieving the bones of people presumably killed by Rhodesians in the 1970s but whose clothes had Zimbabwean coins at Chibondo in Mouth Darwin. He was also handy in the project to finish off Joice Mujuru, volunteering the bizarre claim that her love for men resulted in the death of many freedom fighters … blah, blah!
Some of us will remember him for being the brains behind the press-ganging of 292 school children from St Albert’s Mission in Centenary on the night of July 5, 1973 and taking them to join the war in Mozambique.
Meanwhile, the jaw-dropping speed and relative ease with which Cde Rutanhire’s hero status was granted should have left the families of most former PF-ZAPU and ZIPRA cadres with dry mouths. It is indeed true that some animals are more equal than others!
Cde Killer Zivhu, the ruling party foot soldier who uses the Zimbabwe Cross border Traders Association dragnet to bring votes home, is not leaving anything to chance … this week he was running expensive television adverts promising cross border traders the moon. Even those without any identity documents would be able to get loans without any collateral! This is in addition to houses and unlimited amount of cash for shopping in Germany and Italy!
We all know that despite his criminal conviction for stealing from the same cross border traders that he is still misleading to this day, Cde Zivhu is eyeing a House of Assembly seat in the coming elections. Blessed with a movement with all the hallmarks of an “extremist” organisation such as ZANU-PF, he is definitely untouchable.
The party is so naturally above the law, so the law that proscribes convicted criminals from getting even remotely anywhere near the vicinity of public office does not apply to it. The rule of law does not apply to all “revolutionary” organisations.
Last week, the court ordered a Harare woman to pay $8 000 for adultery after she had reportedly helped herself to someone’s husband. Dr CZ really wonders about the justice in this sort of ruling. True justice is best served when the law is applied without any emotion. Why would one not take the real culprit head-on? The spouse that strays out of a marriage to engage in such a relationship? Certainly a husband or wife is not a moveable piece of property that one can be accused of dispossessing someone of without their (the stolen spouse) active involvement … if not at their own instigation. The offended party should sue their spouse, not someone who never entered into a covenant with them. If someone takes a vow before the court of law and wilfully breaks it, they should be sued for damages and other costs. Why should the real culprit be allowed to go scot-free when they are the ones who have deliberately strayed out of the matrimonial bed?
This is truly ridiculous and primitive.
Some very prominent people in this country are in marriages that started off as adulterous affairs. There are just too many, but for the sake of protecting the guilty, Dr CZ will not be mentioning any names … at least for now!