Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I am back and raring to go. Following the unfortunate incident that took place at the airport—the second in as many years — my sixth sense is telling me that these incidents should not be viewed in isolation nor should they be taken at face value. There could be a real possibility of an increasingly desperate Morgan resorting to juju —also known as black magic — all in the forlorn hope of enhancing his chances in next year’s elections.
How else can one explain the repeated mishaps that have taken place at the airport upon my return from important foreign trips? You and I, being Africans, know the lengths to which some losers can go in their desperation. Remember, this is the same fellow who has consulted some false prophets in Nigeria.
Anyway, let him try. The truth of the matter is that nothing will change… he will remain a loser because he was born one and nothing will change this.
I am back, fit and prim and raring to go, Cdes. I feel like a 39-year old.
It was unfortunate that I could not meet the youth in Matabeleland and also had to miss fellowshipping with members of the Johane Masowe, one of the truly African Christian churches. Anyway, there is always next time.
It is very sad that while some of us are busy mobilising youths to register to vote in the coming elections and holding meetings with the grassroots, Morgan has resorted to his sympathy-seeking stunts… I am told they burned their own car last week in order to give the impression that preparations for next year’s elections are already marred by violence.
They are already preparing a soft landing for their defeat. That is the reason why recently I warned you Cdes that we should make sure that Morgan does not boycott… he is staring at another defeat and he would certainly want to blame it on everyone other than himself.
As happened in the run-up to the June 27, 2008 elections, when he falsely claimed that his members and supporters were under siege by the military. The world still believes that lie.
Whatever trick Morgan and his coalition partners may come up with, nothing will save them from sure defeat.
I am so impressed with young Cde Psychology… he has taken it upon himself to explain how we have managed to surpass the modest job creation target we set for ourselves in the run-up to the 2013 election.
This is exactly what all party members should be seized with.
If we do not explain our achievements to the people, no one will do it for us.
Let us remain focused.
…AND THE NOTEBOOK
The truth is coming out. Finally! The truth about the $1 million cheque that we recently handed over to the African Union with pomp and fanfare. It is now emerging that the money was tricked out of Treasury with the promise that the ruling party’s 10 provinces would each extort $75 000 from members of the public, to add to the paltry $250 000 that was raised from the mysterious cattle auctions.
As usual, Dr CZ is a patriotic fool. He needs to be schooled here. When an individual makes a personal pledge to a faraway institution, and then decide to borrow money to fulfil that personal pledge from the public purse, to whom do they make that application, and who is qualified to approve it and then make sure that amount is repaid? How lawful is this?
Certainly, a person who buys his wife a diamond ring for a cool $1,4 million cannot borrow from a Treasury that is struggling to pay for anything. Can he?
Anyway, Dr CZ will be submitting his own application for just half that amount for consideration next week.
Ours is a ban country, that Dr CZ has said for time with no number. The latest victim of our government’s ban solution are kaylites, the packaging material that had become the in-thing in the food industry until they were peremptorily banned on the purported sudden realisation that they are a threat to good health.
If our government was really concerned about the health of its people, it could certainly do more than just ban kaylites. It could show it in a more practical way by ensuring that the health sector gets the minimum 15 percent the National Budget as stipulated by the World Health Organisation, and then pay health workers before any other civil servants.
If anything, this government poses more danger to the people of Zimbabwe than kaylites, night travelling, alcohol and drug abuse and everything else, combined.
We would want to believe that this kaylite ban was a Cabinet decision. Which then gives us reason to believe that in that very same spirit, the same Cabinet will be seriously considering banning the use of the Harare International Airport, which to all intents and purposes, is fast becoming a threat to the lives of people who really matter in this country. A stitch in time saves nine. Some of us are not ready to be ownerless!
Lag or leg?
“He is no longer going there because of the jet lag as you know the flight between Harare and Singapore is six hours so obviously he needs time to rest. He says he can’t make it,” presidential spokesman and ZANU-PF activist, Cde George Charamba, told the media when his boss failed to attend a Johane Marange campaign rally — the second vote-catching event he skipped inside a week due to poor health — after a Matabeleland North youth rally had earlier been postponed. We wonder whether the brother was quoted right and whether he was using jet leg and jet lag interchangeably.
Jet lag, also known as time zone change syndrome or desynchronosis, is some form of mental disorientation that takes places when people travel rapidly from east to west, or west to east, but the body’s own clock remains synched to the original time zone, instead of adjusting to the time zone where one has travelled to.
We wonder if pilots suffer from this condition to the point of being unable to perform their duties. If not, we therefore have every reason to wonder if it is true that the owners of the country can still get disoriented from flying between Harare and Singapore, a route they now frequent with the predictable regularity of the pendulum of a hypnotist’s watch.
The other version of “jet leg”, which is only found in the urban dictionary, is slang that refers to ordinary cramps. It usually occurs when one travels in a crowded mode of transport in which you are packed like sardines and you cannot move your legs for the entire journey. When you finally get up to exit the plane, boat, train or bus, your legs are “asleep” and are cramping up… they feel like you have borrowed them from your grandmother.
We have heard people who have travelled from Chiredzi to Harare or from Lusaka to Harare on an Inter African or Lion King bus also claiming to be suffering from “jet lag” because to many jet lag and jet leg are one and the same. “Jet leg” is the evil step-sister of “jet lag”, but from the third hand information that Dr CZ gets about the luxurious comfort in which the owners of the country travel, it is certainly not the cramps that stopped them from representing God at the Johane Marange gathering, just as we doubt that they were too disoriented from the change in time zones.
The biological clock is ticking and ticking very fast. There is no doubt about it. We can deny it and even get into denial about being in denial, but that will not change the actualities obtaining on the ground. This is a development that certainly triggers the collywobbles in many a belly!
Outgoing Highfield West legislator, Psychology Maziwisa, has decided to insult the collective intelligence of Zimbos by making a poor show of being clever by half. Last week this brother decided to explain that when the (mis) ruling party threatened to unleash not less than 2,2 million new jobs between 2013 and 2018, the jobs that the party was referring to were not just formal jobs, but even the casual pursuits such as vending, prostitution, pick-pocketing, sperm-harvesting, rally attendance and everything else one can think of.
Maziwisa said the last time the party did its own count, three million jobs had been created!
This is very good! Life is very fair! A people always get a government that they deserve. This is what they voted for and got and they will be getting more of this after next year. One should never blame ZANU-PF and its members, but the people who retain it. They deserve everything it gives them!
Last week, media reports suggested that Dr CZ’s uncle, Cde Didymus Mutasa had fallen on hard times — barely two years after dismissing himself from ZANU-PF —and is now struggling even to send his children to school. If there are some relatives that one can do without, Cde Mutasa is one such!
As much as the Good Book always enjoins us not to rejoice in the tribulations of others, we certainly believe Cde Mutasa is not covered by this immunity because, in the event that this is indeed true, he is one chap who the laws of natural justice would require to get a taste of the life that he subjected Zimbos to for more than three decades.
We certainly doubt that Zimbos would sympathise with a man who keeps on siring children way into his 80s because he is so foolish as to think of himself as being the future itself. When you send your children to school for more than 60 years, it should not come as a surprise if you suddenly are unable to provide for them.
The mothers of these children are also to blame… although rumour from Shake-Shake Building suggests that the tradition there is that not all of these women find themselves in these relationships entirely out of their own free will.