Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I never knew that I had such geniuses among members of my team. I should admit that I was thoroughly impressed with the idea of giving livestock a greater role to play in turning around our economy… the idea of cattle being used as collateral to access loans in banks together with the idea of allowing people to use goats and whatever they have to settle their obligations showed the high calibre of men and women that are serving our people. I am now convinced that this is the best team we have ever had since 1980!
You see what Cdes, with this brilliant idea, our economy —which the British and their evil American cousins have been ruthlessly sabotaging over the years —will now start emerging from the woods… there is no longer any question about it.
I think you will all agree with me that the artificial cash shortages that have started worsening since our party got into an election mode is all because of our Anglo-Saxon detractors who have started wiping away the cash. Remember they have done it before… deploying thousands of their agents to collect cash from our economy and destroying it … even diverting ships that were carrying fuel destined for this country, so it is not at all surprising that they are at it again.
These people are so evil that they make the devil himself jealous.
Information reaching me from my boys on the ground is showing that the cash shortages that our people are suffering from are a result of the British and Americans who have been mopping up all our bond notes and destroying them all in an effort to give credence to their story that our government has failed… as part of their broader regime change agenda.
As the sages say, once beaten twice shy, these tricks have been used on us before so I can assure you that they will not succeed this time around.
Just as we were thinking of how to get out of this situation, some of you Cdes came up with these brilliant ideas. You know what Cdes? With an economy in which trade is dominated by livestock and other payment methods other than hard cash, it would be near impossible for these evil Anglo-Saxon detractors to manipulate our economy the way they have been freely doing over the years.
Over-dependence on enemy currency has not just ensured that the economic sabotage by our detractors was made easy, but also that progress towards achieving the goals of our Zimbabwe Agenda for Sustainable Socio-Economic Transformation (Zim-Asset) economic blueprint was severely stymied.
Now with this brilliant idea of localising our economy, it would be hard for the saboteurs to have any real impact on our economy… how can one externalise cattle, goats, sheep, ducks, rabbits and even manual labour? But when an economy is based on money, this makes it so easy to collapse a country in a matter of months, if not weeks or even days.
Didn’t we recently make good our obligations to the African Union through cattle? So what is out of the ordinary when our people start using whatever it is that is at their disposal to pay for goods and services? After all, this money that we are now all obsessed with is a tool that the imperialists brought with them in order to subjugate us… we had our solid and vibrant trading system before these people came here and we can easily revert to it and in the process shield ourselves from manipulation by these devils in the West.
Just look at what is happening across the Limpopo? After Cde Jacob took heed of our brotherly advice to liberate that country’s economy, the Western economic rating agents responded by downgrading that country to junk status… whatever that is supposed to mean! If a country like South Africa that produces more than 50 percent of the world’s gold and an equally big share of the diamonds, platinum and other minerals can be classified as junks status, what about countries like Britain that produce virtually nothing save for lazy prime ministers that are always resigning one after the other?
These are some of the tricks that the evil West can pull on countries if they are not as alert as we thankfully are.
With these measures that we have started implementing, I can tell you that we would be able to ring-fence our economy from the criminal mischief of the evil West.
… AND CZ’S NOTEBOOK
It is really a burden to be a government and public official, that Dr CZ can tell you, because some of the things you have to defend end up making you looking like a cartoon character if one is not very careful.
Some of Dr CZ’s runner-boys entered the lion’s den recently. They were inside State House to bear witness and testimony to the swearing in of Justice Luke Malaba as the new Chief Justice of the Republic.
After he had taken his oath and other matters of hygiene like group photos and snacks, a posse of journos had to camp outside the palace waiting for an opportunity to talk to the new CJ who had retreated inside for a tête-à-tête with the appointing authority. No one could guess what the closed-door talks could have been on serve to rightly guess that they were certainly never a crash course on patriotism!
So the journos waited… and in the process they noticed that also waiting with them was none other than Transport Minister, Cde Joram (a name that has since been given a whole new complexion by Sabhuku Vharazipi’s hilarious drama series!) Gumbo, who was with Air Zimbabwe’s chief operating officer, Cde Simbarashe Chikore. We assume the duo was there to brief the authorities on developments (or lack of them!) at the national airline.
So these journo field officers of Dr CZ pounced on the hapless duo. They had no option but to stand with their backs firmly on the wall… defending themselves and everybody else in government while throwing a jab or two here and there mostly at the private media which they accused of terrorising them by never seeing anything good at all about this country.
According to Cde Joram, the country’s road network is in a bad state because most of these roads are older than him, when their design lifespan is just 20 years. He is just 60 years old. And of all these 60-plus years, the country has been under sanctions for at least half the time… including the legal sanctions against the regime of Ian Smith and them. In the more than decade and a half that followed, it has been the illegal sanctions imposed by the evil West.
Really? The journos nodded with amusement…so if sanctions are to blame for the sorry state of affairs all over, why doesn’t this sorry state also reflect on the cars that Cabinet ministers drive? The nosy journos wanted to know. “You want me to walk on foot?” Cde Joram answered the question with another question?
The journos put it to him that sometimes the private media are forced to speculate because the officialdom is never forthcoming with information… and he denied it… until he was told that when news of Malaba’s appointment as the Chief Justice-designate started filtering through, journos from the private media contacted President Robert Mugabe’s spokesman, Cde George Charamba for confirmation, who stridently professed ignorance about it… only for the same Cde to give a fulsome interview to the State media.
Cde Joram claimed that there was a real possibility that Cde George was sincerely unaware and that he might have later forgotten to contact the private media to eat back his trenchant denials. We will pretend to believe him.
But what we are very sure about is that only a disengaged presidential spokesman would not know what is happening in his boss’ office that would already have reached the ear of the media, and certainly Cde George is not that material.
A Dr CZ fan says he does not usually pay much attention to politics of wealthy nations because to them, politics is just another hobby, not a matter of life and death as it is in some other parts of the world.
But one thing that caught his interest in England this week was the announcement by Prime Minister Theresa May that snap election will be held shortly to give the people of Britain the right to have a say in who leads them.
This is a leader who found herself plonked at the helm by a conspiracy of fate following the resignation of then Prime Minister, David Cameroon, after he had allowed the Brexit referendum to take place and lost it. Although he was not obligated to resign, Cameroon thought it civilised to just walk away instead of continuing to lead people who were in disagreement with him. After May took over from Cameron, elections were only due in three years’ time, but she has decided to bring them forward… just in case she could be leading people who don’t want her as their leader. Surely, we are in for another exciting election.
Life has never been half as easy as it is threatening to be in Zimbabwe. We are referring to these reports of goats for school fees and cattle for bank loans… one CZ fan was very curious… if someone works in the Avenues area and business is very low there, they can just approach the school to make a payment plan in kind, right?
Another fan of Dr CZ who knows Yours Truly as a know-all says he is confused… if South Africa’s credit ranking has been demoted to junk status, what status could Zimbabwe be? Even Dr CZ found himself stranded on this one!