MY former Comrades. Things are going from bad to worse back home, I am told. They are going so bad that some prominent figures in the opposition MDC-T party, who are convinced that Morgan has effectively been stuffed into the back pocket of the military junta that is now running down the country — hence his move to step down — approached me this week begging me to please rescue the democratic process in the country by accepting to lead the party.
In short, these people who know my impeccable leadership qualities, want me to be the next leader of the MDC-T. They fear that without strong leadership, which only a tried and tested leader like myself can provide, the country risks running into a de facto one party state. It is dangerous to have a de facto one party state system… like we have in some undemocratic countries like Rwanda and Uganda where dictators continue to cling to power through sham elections.
As a democrat, I sincerely share the concerns of those opposition members that want me to take over the MDC-T leadership. But I wonder how possible it would be for me to take over the leadership of that party because reports reaching me are pointing to the fact that Morgan could be seriously considering handing over the leadership of the party to his wife so that it remains MDC-T. As the most senior politician in the country, I think it would be more appropriate if all the opposition parties in the country would form a grand coalition and then invite me to lead it. With me as their candidate, they can be assured of a landslide victory in the coming elections.
As they are, no opposition leader in the country can garner even five percent of votes as a presidential candidate.
Save for worrying a lot about the country and the people that I love so much, I am otherwise enjoying myself out here… where there are no cash shortages, no food shortages, no water shortages, no shortage of medical supplies and experts, no shortage of commonsense… the only shortage that I have noticed here is that of thankless people. I wish my father had emigrated to this part of the world and I had been a leader here.
When I see what is happening back home, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry because these were the very same people who were mobilised to make a show of protesting against me and later to also make another show of celebrating my departure who are already regretting everything they were made to do.
I was being blamed for almost everything that was not going right in the country, and I was unconstitutionally removed from my position, but now I am getting harrowing stories of people who are asking valid questions about such important issues like Gukurahundi ending up being questioned in army barracks.
In the event that indeed some atrocities that were committed during the short time that I was in power, the fact that these atrocities are continuing long after I am gone tells the truth about who were responsible for these heinous acts — including the Gukurahundi — in the first place. There are a lot of things that happen behind the scenes that leaders may not be able to know until they are exposed like this. I now understand why the International Court of Justice was set up at The Hague. This world is full of criminals who should be put in their right place. Surely, how can a people who fought to liberate themselves be arrested for asking very commonsensical questions that have been begging for answers for many years? I am told that you my former Comrades, who were patriotic during my time, are being haunted as if you were members of Hitler’s NAZI party? What sort of leadership is that, especially when one has not been elected; not even in one ward in the whole country?
I am told the rains are not falling? How could they after the abomination of last November? The ancestors are obviously very, very and very angry. Now let’s us see how the Communist-styled Command Agriculture is going to fare.
My Kindest Regards
Your One and Only Leader
. . . . AND NOW THE NOTE BOOK
Dr CZ sincerely hopes that there is no iota of truth in reports suggesting that citizens that dare to rightfully exercise their right to disagree with the new owners of the country are finding themselves arrested and being re-educated in some military barracks. We sincerely believe that this is not true. However, in the unlikely event that this is indeed true, we say this is a real tragedy. If Emmerson Mnangagwa lives up to the reputation that is usually whispered about him in down town Harare, then his presidency will not be established. Zimbos have had enough. God intervened at His own time for a good reason. He cannot say God saved him from sure death after that cyanide poisoning of August 12 in Gwanda and went on to save him again when the goons descended on him shortly after his dismissal, as those before him. He has already attributed his perennial survival to God and that same God will be certainly watching over his every action. Let him not say he was not warned.
MANY Zimbos are wondering how possible it is that some opposition politicians who are lawyers by profession are stampeding over each other to defend former ZANU-PF stalwarts who have been caught up in the dragnet going around purportedly targeting “criminals” that were around former president Robert Mugabe.
Dr CZ and his fans know that the new owners of the country are just making a show of fighting corruption when in actual fact they are singling out their own political enemies for molestation and wanton persecution under the guise of prosecution, although we will not dare say this for obvious reasons.
These Zimbos don’t see the morality of Tendai Biti, Welshman Ncube, Job Sikhaka, Lovemore Madhuku and others defending alleged ZANU-PF looters like Phelekezela Mphoko, Ignatius Chombo, Kudzanai Chipanga, Samuel Undenge and many others who are yet to be arrested. They think this is rather immoral. While they could be right in their own judgment, the question is: Since when has money, which has a spirit of its own, started being governed by morals? Who doesn’t know that money does not smell?
Once it is in the back-pocket, it does not say where it came from. Just ask Dr CZ who in their correct sense would refuse to represent millionaire clients like those that are stampeding for safety now? Is it not in search of this very money that Zimbos are scattered all over the world, some of them even doing some of the most menial jobs, including prostitution, drug peddling and other vices. If money had morals, surely doctors would not demand it from people who they know are dying because it would be immoral for them to do that. Now, how about mere lawyers, who like journalists, morticians, politicians and others — just like maggots — are supposed to thrive on other people’s misfortunes? Can anyone out there show DR CZ just one person who has gone to bed having had morality for supper. Just one!
Dr CZ even read it somewhere that usually the dividing line between a criminal and a lawyer, which only exists on paper, is very hazy and, therefore, cannot be enforced like the borderline between North and South Korea, the so-called demilitarised zone which in actual fact is the most militarised area on earth.
Dr CZ cannot vouch for the veracity of this observation, lest he ends up requiring a lawyer to extricate him from a sticky lawfare which he can ill-afford.
However, a story that has done many rounds is such a good read that I am tempted to repeat it here.
A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon bragged: “Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied: “But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine.”
The lawyer smirked, and said: “Granted! But who had created that chaos in the first place?”
Well, it is only the leader of an unknown opposition party that calls itself Progressive and Innovative Movement of Zimbabwe, Tendai Munyanduri, who insists that the problems that Zimbabwe faces are primarily a result of a conspiracy between lawyers. The Chinhoyi-based politician says it has been like that right from the formation of ZANU in 1963. Herbert Chitepo was a lawyer. Robert Mugabe later became a lawyer. Eddison Zvobgo, the man credited for giving Mugabe monster powers, was also a lawyer. Mugabe’s successor is a lawyer. The head of the legislature is a lawyer. The head of the judiciary is a lawyer. The head of the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission is a lawyer. The drafters of the Constitution were three borderline lawyers… lawyers are everyone and they are causing chaos, so Munyanduri argues.
Anyway, in all this fury, the most sober explanation came from constitutional lawyer, Alex Magaisa who wrote the following on his Twitter account:
1. As a general rule, lawyers can act for anyone, just as other professionals can sell services to anyone. However, lawyers who are also politicians ought to exercise greater discretion, taking into account their principles and duties to their political constituencies.
2. They have a hard job of balancing the competing demands of law and politics. Ideally, you should choose one path in order to minimise conflict, but I think the economics do not allow such a scenario so we end up doing both, often with such conflicts becoming apparent.
3. My view is the political constituency has the power to discipline lawyer-politicians. If the political constituency feels lawyer-politicians are prioritising their business interests ahead of their political duties, principles and values, they can punish them at the ballot box.
Dr CZ is grateful to the new owners of the country for remembering that Tsvangirai was once prime minister of this country by extending the jaw-dropping featherbeddings to the now ailing former trade unionist. Until they prove themselves otherwise, for now we assume that the motive behind this gesture is sincere. We may, however, need to remind them that Tsvangirai was not alone in the inclusive government for which he is now being belatedly rewarded. He had a whole retinue of minions with him. These too also deserve the same treatment, unless they are still public officials or they turn it down on patriotic grounds to spare our impoverished Treasury. We hope Tsvangirai — not being selfish as his detractors are wont to point out — raised this with his benefactors. If he did not, this is an afterthought that he should contact them about.
MEANWHILE, as Dr CZ was resting over the holidays, a fan decided to share the following, which he thought would come handy as workers and their bosses return to work.
“Employees join companies, but leave managers.
A Gallup poll of more than one million employed US workers concluded that the No 1 reason people quit their jobs is a bad boss or immediate supervisor. Seventy-five percent of workers who voluntarily left their jobs did so because of their bosses and not the position itself. In spite of how good a job may be, people will quit if the reporting relationship is not healthy.
“People leave managers not companies… in the end, turnover is mostly a manager issue.”