Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, the situation on the ground has forced me to make changes to my Cabinet as a matter of urgency. I could not wait to make these changes when I assume another term after the next elections because, from developments on the ground, there was a real possibility that people could be forced to vote with their stomachs, putting us in a situation where our electoral victory would not be guaranteed.
The reshuffle was not in any way linked to the purported infighting in our party as the private and foreign media have been claiming… that the move was meant to weaken the so-called Team Lacoste while strengthening the so-called G40. You, Cdes, and I know that there is no such thing as Team Lacoste and G40 in our party. Being the most democratic party in this country, differences between intelligent people do exist, but those differences cannot be seen as factionalism. We have always been, and continue to be, a united party.
The only threat that the party faces is that of infiltration by enemies from the West through some unprincipled members of our party who love money to the point of selling their own mothers and birthright. These are the ones I warned recently.
I needed to come up with a fresh team that is full of energy to run around and produce results that will re-assure the people that it is only our revolutionary party that has their interests at heart. I needed a team of go-getters, men and women who are able to show the people in a practical way that we meant it when we promised them more than two million jobs, among other things, under our Zimbabwe Agenda for Sustainable Socio-Economic Transformation.
From the tremors that shock our economy recently, I could not risk squandering our already fat chance of cruising to a resounding victory next year by keeping some of my star players on the bench when I could field them and get the best possible results.
Since the reshuffle, I have heard that there are those of our sclerotic detractors who have been going around claiming that mine was a bedroom Cabinet reshuffle whose line-up was decided between my wife and I alone. You and I know there is no iota of truth in this claim because I made wide consultations before coming up with the final decision.
Never in the short, three-plus decades as a leader have I made such a far-reaching decision after consulting my wife alone. I am a democrat so I have no capacity to do that. If anything, and in many cases, my dear wife only reads about these appointments in the media like everyone else. Cde Jabulani, that rogue war veteran, was just hallucinating when he talked about a bedroom coup. Subsequent events, following his spurious allegation, have proved how wrong he was.
You all know, my Cdes, that in all my previous Cabinets and this new one, there is not even a single relative of my wife. And in all the years that I have faithfully served the people, the closest to a relative that I have offered a job in my Cabinet is Patrick, who needs to be close to his uncle most of the time… but before I considered him as my nephew, I considered that he was the most qualified for the job, both in the previous assignment and in the one I have just deployed him to.
If you look at what the social media nearly did to our economy recently, I have every reason to take issues of cyber security seriously. After looking as the varied skills before me, I realised that our legal panjandrum, Cde Pats’ skills were not being fully utilised. So I decided to deploy him to this strategic portfolio. I can trust him to use his sharp legal mind to craft future-proof laws to deal with cyber terrorists, who to our collective disappointment, are increasing by the day.
In moving Cdes Pats to the cyber and something ministry, I also wanted to strategically replace him with none other than Cde Gina at the finance ministry so that the party could benefit from the pearls of wisdom that his grey hair signifies. It was important that we give him the national purse as someone who has shown to be resourceful at a personal level. As our party’s secretary for administration, he should find a creative way of making sure that we are home and dry financially as a party.
I laughed this week when I was told that Morgan is begging the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission to waive some accreditation fees because the $10 per observer that the electoral body is charging is too much for his party. Poor Morgan!
I had to move the other Cdes around so that they could gain exposure to the other ministries and in the process become all-rounders for future leadership roles. My detractors have been alleging that I angrily removed Cde Simba from the foreign affairs portfolio because he has failed to stop me from dozing off at international summits…Such unconscionable malice!
These changes were necessary for the good of the party. There is no winner or loser in this reshuffle… it was just meant to ensure that all members of the ever-winning Team ZANU-PF get their game time. At the end of the day the party should be the winner.
Let us now all focus our attention of making sure that we win the coming elections by our a run-away margin, as has become our trademark.
. . . AND THE NOTEBOOK
Things are no longer looking that good for Vice President Emmerson Mnangagwa. One does not need to be a seer to start calling him out-going VP because he is now a dead man walking. The owners of the country did not even want him to greet them when they returned from another barren trip abroad last week. That is too bad! Anyway, what goes around comes around. The Spaniards have a saying that every pig has his Martinmas! If what Dr CZ and others have heard is true, surely there is no need to pretend to feel sorry for the brother because it will certainly be good riddance!
Many Zimbos who have surrendered their fate to God and the gods have been waiting for these end moments and they seem to be arriving. For now, let us wait and see.
Meanwhile, as a Cabinet reshuffle took place this week; we all noticed how difficult it is to shuffle thoroughly torn cards, didn’t we?
If ever there is something called a perennial survivor, then Cde Webster “Cremora” Shamu a.k.a Charles Ndhlovu is one. The brother bounced back from the political Siberia he had been thrown into after his dalliance with former vice president Joice Mujuru.
The brother knows that bootlicking is an art from which one can earn a living. Even with his sticky paws being regularly found stuck in the cookie jar over the past 37 years, the brother has a mysterious way of sashaying his way back with no questions asked. He can be heckled and pooh-poohed, but it does not bother him… in fact, he does seem to have the distinct advantage of not having that which makes normal human beings feel ashamed of themselves. He defiantly hangs around like a puppy waiting for a bone and surely in the end patience, combined with disarming bootlicking skills, paid off.
Below is what American Wikileaks of 1988 had to say about him shortly before he was caught up in the Willowgate scandal: “69: (U) Charles Ndhlovu, deputy minister of youth, sport and culture: Ndhlovu is new to the Cabinet and takes over this position from Amos Midzi who is no longer in government. Ndhlovu, a Zezuru, was once a disk jockey with the Rhodesian Broadcasting Corp and left for Maputo in the mid-1970s where he became a broadcaster on “The Voice of Free Zimbabwe”. In the 1980s, he was named head of production services in the ministry of information, and in 1985 he became head of the parastatal, Central Film Laboratories. He is also the head of the ZANU youth wing. In 1985 he was elected as a ZANU member of parliament.
Ndhlovu is considered a party hack with fairly close ties to Mugabe. As head of the youth wing of the party, he has had very close contact with east bloc nations, North Korea and China, both of whom have supported the youth wing. However, he is also very accessible to us and an occasionally useful contact with the party’s ideological wing. He was moved from the ministry of information to central film labs in 1985 after a scandal in which an alleged Z$50,000 was embezzled from the department of production services through a false payroll scheme. The department’s accountant committed suicide, but Ndhlovu — who is widely thought to have been directly involved — was saved, probably through his ties with Mugabe. Though married, Ndhlovu is well known as a womaniser and heavy drinker. He is a registered member of the Norton Country Club (he has a farm in the area) under his pre-revolutionary name of Webster Shamu.”
Dr CZ has nothing to do with Christopher Mushohwe’s demotion to supervising a mere department. He should blame it on his English language teacher who never bothered to teach him to write and speak proper English and that weakness has remained with him right to the level he has reached.
It should be very queer to tell your grandchildren that you are a Minister of State for National Scholarships in a country with two full-blown education ministries, plus another dubious one for psychomotor activities.
Cde Mushohwe’s position is not very new, as it has in the past been used to palm off people whose usefulness is highly suspect or has expired. Those like Dr CZ and others who are old enough will remember that this was the same position that was once held from 1988-92 by national hero, Joseph Culverwell, a real character and a half, who died in 1993. It was the circumstances under which Culverwell was rumoured to have earned the position that made it a scandal of some sort… and the whispers got deafening when he was declared a national hero… the first mixed race person to be interred at the iconic hill.
Home Affairs junior minister Obedingwa Mguni is facing attempted murder charges after indiscriminately shooting at a Plumtree man’s car. He appears to admit firing the shots, but defends his criminal action by claiming he did so while chasing after a smuggler! Zimbos please don’t laugh because this is a very serious matter! It is really laughable when a whole minister claims that he made it his business to chase after smugglers… talk of going the proverbial extra mile! If only all the ministers would love their jobs like this! Obviously, Mguni thinks Zimbos are lamebrains like him!