Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I will shortly be starting nationwide rallies to warm our structures in readiness for next year’s harmonised elections that, naturally, we will be winning by our trademark landslide margin.
I will be going from province to province, hosted by the party youths, who, as you are all aware, are the lifeblood of the party… to keep in touch with the grassroots.
This is important in order to keep our structures well oiled. While Morgan & Co are busy meeting one donor after another, I am meeting the people who vote in elections in this country.
We will not be doing this because we are scared of anything, no, but being experienced at this game, we know the importance of the people… the grassroots.
While we know that we are going to win resoundingly, as leaders, we should not go to the people on the eve of an election. It is important that we regularly go there and hear the challenges — if any — the people are facing so that we can address them way before the elections, so that when these elections come, campaigning will be a mere formality.
You see what happened in Mwenezi at the weekend? That is what should happen in all elections, including presidential, where the victory should be so overwhelming that we should have more spoilt papers than opposition votes.
Morgan, Joice and others are busy making noises about forming a grand coalition … when you add a zero and another zero the total is simply a zero … no matter how big the zeroes might be, the result is the same, even if you add 13 of these zeros. So these parties can form their so-called grand coalition, it will still lead to a grand defeat. There are no two ways about it.
These people have tried every trick in the book and all have failed to work in effecting a regime change in this country, so it is only natural that they are now looking for anything… anything at all, to make noise about.
Wait until we twist it in with another grand victory in next year’s elections.
… AND CZ’S NOTEBOOK
In the spirit of Easter, Dr CZ thought he should share a little confession with his dear fans. It is something that has to be done whether one likes it or not.
Over the years, many of Dr CZ’s fans have found it difficult to understand why a seemingly civilised Africans like Dr CZ has never liked soccer in all its various forms.
Here is the answer. Dr CZ strongly believes that soccer is used by the spirits from the underworld to make useless idiots of people who would otherwise be dangerously useful in life. Here Dr CZ is referring to an ordinary soccer supporter, not a professional player, a journalist or a professional gambler. But the ordinary Tom, Dick and Harry like you, Dr CZ’s loyal fan!
How much time do people spend debating about who is better between Lionel Messi and Christiano Ronaldo? How much time is devoted to noisy debates about why Manchester United, Real Madrid, or Chelsea is the best soccer team in the world… or why Barcelona or Arsenal should offload this player or fire that coach? How much time do seemingly normal adults — fathers for that matter who should otherwise be seized with life-enhancing matters — waste debating about who is the world’s top-earning soccer player, or which soccer player has the sexiest wife? Or whether last week’s penalty awarded to Atlético Madrid in the 89th minute was valid?
Suppose these combined man-hours wasted by all soccer supporters in the whole world were invested into something useful like the search for the Aids drug, finding a solution to women’s passionate dislike for each other or how to make people live forever, wouldn’t this world be a much better place?
Okay, suppose Man United or Dynamos has won, how does that change Cde Supporter’s life, apart from giving him a false sense of self-importance that he otherwise will never achieve in his own personal life? Ever heard how noisy Liverpool supporters can be on the rare occasion (we are told) when their team wins? You just need to look at them closely to make sure that it is true that nothing has changed in their physical life, save for the fact that they would be overjoyed… the next week they could be very, very sad… depending on how their team would have performed, otherwise in real life, they could be really worse off… and sadly not doing anything about it.
Just take time to calculate how many hours of their life they spend seized with the barren matters of soccer.
Some of us have brothers, friends and totem-mates that are well into middle age. As of this coming June, they would be trying their luck again on Ordinary Levels Maths, Geography, Commerce and some such subjects that most normal people take for granted, because for several years, they have been trying, trying, trying and trying without luck.
Wait until the same chap starts telling you about soccer — the so-called beautiful game — how this player who is so many years old who has played soccer from this age and who scored so many goals when he was still in this league before he moved to this league where he played for this and that team and scored so many goals for each of the three teams he played for in that league before he was spotted by this Mexican division two outfit and then this and that and that and that and that until he arrived at this Polish team called Dyskobolia Grodzisk Wielkopolski. Apart from knowing how many games this player has played in this Polish league that also has teams like Jagiellonia Białystok, Górnik Łczna, he has also been on loan for so much to this club called Kjøbenhavns Boldklub where he played alongside the likes of Krumholtz, Jakub Błaszczykowski, Łukasz Piszczek blah, blah.
This chap would know such information about thousands of players in leagues across several continents. He will know about soccer on the domestic scene, at the regional level as well as at the international level… having all the permutations about this and that competition at his fingertips. Mind you, this information is changing on a nano-second basis, so he almost effortlessly updates himself at the same pace, otherwise that sense of self-importance would be affected.
Now let’s go back to the Commerce, Geography, History or Science textbook that has remained unchanged over the past 20 years… he knows virtually nothing! Ask that person about things that really matter in his day-to-day life… things that make his family and life better… he doesn’t know… in fact, he cannot know them.
The devil invented some of these sports to make sure he made idiots of people who have brilliant minds… he just makes sure that the minds are almost always so focused on things that are useless… and soccer is certainly one of them. Some have this obsession with soccer that they hardly sleep… sitting in front of a bar television the whole night… others develop a penchant to make sure that wherever CAPS United is playing, be it in Zvishavane, Hwange, Gwanda or even when it goes on the African safari… they are faithfully there… yet they cannot be half that faithful to things that really matter in life… like family, career, health etc. Sometimes the family is left starving because the father has to report to the cult… to this god of soccer, without fail. They eat, breathe and sleep soccer.
At the end of it all, the devil is so pleased that this is another life that would have been well wasted.
Hopefully, Dr CZ has explained himself clear enough. Until someone comes forth with a solid explanation — even with diagrams, charts and graphs — to explain to Dr CZ the benefits of being a soccer supporter, he will continue seeing it as a scheme by the devil and his agents to keep an otherwise productive people thinking that they are busy, important and successful, when in fact this is just but a mirage.
As a patriot, the passing on of Cde James Murozvi, who was naturally declared a national hero, saddened Dr CZ. Being a national hero material himself, Dr CZ did not begrudge the late colleague for being bestowed with this status that is worth dying for.
Listening to the late hero’s relatives talking about him, it was quite interesting to hear almost all of them saying he made sure that even the most distant of his relatives got employment in one government department or the other. He also made sure that most of his relatives went overseas. This possibly explains why statistics released by government mandarins tend to give the country’s unemployment rate at below 10 percent. They certainly don’t know anyone who is unemployed.
Let Dr CZ leave it there… for now!
This one came from Dr CZ’s fan, who is a financial expert. He says Janet Jackson’s prenuptial agreement with her Qatari billionaire husband guaranteed her US$500 million if she stayed married for five years. She has started moves to divorce him after five years and two months. This translates into roughly US$100 million per year, US$8,3 million per month, US$277 000 per day, US$11 574 per hour. At this rate, we could seriously consider expanding the scope of our Zimbabwe Agenda for Sustainable Socio-Economic Transformation to include a cluster that specialises in grooming our sisters to marry Qatari and Saudi business tycoons. Life has never been half this easy on this side of the rainbow