CABINET FILES: Thanks for the birthday bash, Cdes

CABINET FILES: Thanks for the birthday bash, Cdes
Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe eats his cake during celebrations to mark his 92nd Birthday celebrations in Masvingo about 300 kilometres south of Harare, Saturday, Feb, 27, 2016. Called “dear father,” “his royal highness,” and “the Moses of Africa” members of the Zimbabwe’s ruling party used President Robert Mugabe’s birthday celebrations to reassert their loyalty to the longtime leader amid political infighting. (AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi)

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe eats his cake during celebrations to mark his 92nd Birthday celebrations in Masvingo. Pic by Tsvangirai Mukwazhi

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, I think I should thank you all for throwing such a colourful birthday bash for me. Although this has become a tradition, I should admit that I was taken aback by the creativity and a renewed sense of unity with which you managed to organise this event.
You managed to put our detractors to shame. Many of them had hoped the event would be a flop, but with your trusted fighting spirit, everything went perfectly according to plan.
There was widespread disappointment among our detractors, which explains why at the end of the celebrations, some of them had to stage this picture of a supposedly hungry woman picking cake crumbs that had supposedly fallen off the VVIP table.
Most of you were there Cdes. You can testify that everyone who attended the event ate more than their fill, so for anyone to try to distort this reality is an act of desperation of the worst kind. Anyway, all their nefarious plots will come to naught as many others before, because God is, thankfully, not yet British.
It looks like the truth is finally coming out, Cdes.
This week, Joice and her hangers-on launched their political outfit that they are calling People First something. We should welcome this development because victory is even sweeter when the number of the vanquished is huge.
While this remains their democratic right, this only serves to confirm what our trusty intelligence had long picked up… that these people love power so much that they were plotting to grab power by force.
Now that they have come out in the open, the people know them for the sell-outs that they are, and will be dealing with them in due course.
The fact that they were in our party for a long time makes it even worse for them, because the people now know them for the saboteurs they have always been, and will not make the mistake of bringing them anywhere near power.
The other good thing about this move is that it will further split the already little opposition vote and help people lose faith in the opposition.
Let us see what they have to offer the people which they did not steal from our past election manifestos.
Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely


The First Family birthday celebrations are finally over. If only the celebrations could go on and on and on until after the current food shortages that are ravaging the country, so that people can eat more for free. Such celebrations are necessary especially when people have no food to put on their tables.
That this one is over, we cannot help it but start looking forward to the 20th anniversary of the first wedding, which is rumoured to be just around the corner. There would be more and more eats.
This is what the media quoted the leader of the newest opposition party in Zimbabwe, Joice Mujuru, as saying this week: “Zimbabwe People First is here. We are living in an unjust system. There is selective application of the law… one for the poor and the powerless, one for the opposition, one for the ruling party supporters. Self-dignity has disappeared. Ordinary persons’ capacity to earn a decent living has disappeared,” she was quoted as saying.
Sadly, no one bothered to ask Mujuru when she made this startling discovery for herself.
When Dr CZ took his first-born son on a visit to the rural areas, and the little boy saw cattle, goats, sheep and donkeys, to him it was something to scream to the whole world about, because it was the boy’s first time to see all these livestock.
The same applies to a man who gets into a night club for the first time in his life when he is  middle aged… some of the things that mesmerise him include those that are banal to everyone else around them, including teenagers.
We would want to believe that Mujuru is not suffering from this sort of cushioned ignorance, safely protected, as she was from the harsh realities that she and her colleagues subjected the people of Zimbabwe to for more than three decades. What Mujuru is trying to tell Zimbabweans is something that they know all to well, so it might not be surprising when some of them start yawning before she has finished a sentence.
Finally, war veterans have been allowed to meet at the same venue where riot police brutalised them a fortnight ago.
From what the secretary of the Zimbabwe National Liberation War Veterans Association, Cde George Matemadanda told the media, it looks like there shall be no end to the demands from war veterans.
After demanding and getting almost everything that they have demanded so far — including a stand-alone ministry for themselves — they now want a military commission, which they claim would “protect the country’s legacy”. Please don’t ask Dr CZ what this is supposed to mean.
They are also now demanding medals — badges of honour that they would wear when they go around doing what all war vets in this country are best known for.
Of all the things that Cde Matemadanda said, this is what Dr CZ found most interesting:
“Comrades are also going to discuss the speech made by his Excellency (President Mugabe) when he was President of ZANU in 1977 on how the party is commandeered (really?!), what policy is followed, and how it is followed. This, if followed, is going to remove from ZANU-PF this thing of people crafting laws day-in-day-out. That is not the ZANU-PF way.”
When the nation is supposed to be marching forward, others are making giant steps 40 years back! Small wonder.
Oh finish!
News from N’Djamena is suggesting that African Union’s newest chairman, Chad’s President Idriss Deby Itno, is facing the toughest opposition to his long rule as nationwide strikes brought the country’s biggest cities to a halt this week over President Deby’s planned bid to seek re-election to extend his 26-year rule.
International media reports suggested that the strike, which is running under the slogan “That’s Enough”, successfully locked down N’Djamena, leaving classrooms emptied and the capital’s two big markets deserted in a protest mirrored in cities across the country.
The stoppage was organised by a coalition of civil society organisations grouped under the name “Ca Suffit” — French for “that’s enough”.
It needs no rocket scientists to tell anyone that the West has its dirty hand in this protest… they are unhappy that Cde Deby taking over the leadership of the powerful continental body that is demanding its pound of flesh in the United National Security Council.
Anyway, with some precedence having already been set in Burundi and some such places, the Chadian leader can use all the force at his disposal knowing full well that nothing will ever happen to him.
While a crack team is seized with investigating the mysterious six break-ins that took place at Vice President Emmerson Mnangagwa’s office, the seventh one is said to have taken place this week.
As much as Dr CZ tries as much as possible not be superstitious, in a case such as this one, he is tempted to believe this story that goes around about the need to exorcise the ghost of a certain general. Anyway, Harare being the rumour capital of the world that it proudly is, something is always doing the rounds somewhere.

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