Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, for a long time, I have agonised over sharing this with you. But I have since realised that it has become plain to anyone with eyes to see… that we are among the few —if not the only — leadership blessed with such a trusting and disarmingly loyal people in this country. I don’t think there is any other leadership that leads such a pliant, easy-going and unbelievably docile people such as we have, thanks to God’s infinite grace.
I can tell you Cdes, that some of the things that we take for granted in this country would get entire national governments in other parts of the world, even here in Africa, overthrown. But because God and the gods have always been on our side, the furthest our people will go is to vent their anger on the various social media platforms. Of course, some of them, fake pastors included, seize upon this to mulct sweet lucre from the foolish West. But what we have grown to know is that, no matter how daring our mischief, we get away with it.
Look at what is happening to my brother Jacob across the Limpopo. Too bad! Terrible! Too ghastly to contemplate! It’s even unAfrican! All for doing a fraction of the things that we take for granted here!
But this is something that will never happen here because we have managed to civilise our people so much that they now trust that everything we do — no matter how absurd — is for their own good. Instead of them asking us to account for our actions (or in most cases, lack of thereof), they themselves would rather volunteer to account for their actions to us. What a rare privilege!
This week we made another round of board appointments that we expected to raise a stink, but they thankfully passed without incident.
As you would have guessed, these recent rounds of board appointments were meant to test the waters before the eventual appointment of people who really matter in this country. You will all agree with me that the boys have come of age. We need to get them something visible for them to expend their patriotic energies on. Something that will get the public used to seeing them around so that when the next natural step comes, they won’t appear to be rank strangers. I know you are a very clever lot and, therefore, can easily catch the gist of the point that I am making. Meanwhile, your Mother is settling in very well and I can also notice that she doesn’t have enough yet on her ambidextrous hands.
Because our people trust us more than they trust God, Cdes, I suggest we come up with a very good explanation to support the move by the First Son-in-Law, Cde Simba, not just to lease second hand aircraft from the Far East, but also why it is important that the national airline, previously Rhodesia Airways, rebrands to Zimbabwe Airways.
We can actually tell them that the planes are actually new… that we bought them secretly, via our friends in the East as a sanctions-busting measure, and registered in Malaysia to ensure that our many creditors, who include those whose debts we graciously inherited from the Smith regime (in addition to the bitter former white farmers who do not want to see us prosper), do not team up with the likes of Peter Tatchell and seize them.
You see, when we register the new planes under a separate company, it becomes very easy when the party needs handy cash for some sensitive operations. You all know how this worked perfectly for us during the inclusive government days, leading to the last elections after our resourceful military entered into a string of deals with our all-weather Chinese friends in the Marange diamond fields. Talk of a truly blessed leadership!
Still on the rebranding, last year I found myself in a sticky situation where I had to keep Cde Dominic Chinenge in the job beyond what the law provided for. So we agreed that he rebrands from Constantine Chiwenga to Constantino Guveya Dominic Nyikadzino Chiwenga. Problem solved! This is exactly the same case here. In the unlikely event that our national debts appear to start chocking us, we might also seriously consider this clever strategy for the country. Remember it was the same strategy that my “Tsuro Magen’a” nephew, Cde Phillip, tried to play at the Zimbabwe Football Association recently.
I notice that there was an outcry over the Politburo’s decision to make the late Cde Chinx a liberation war hero and not a national hero.
We, the leadership, know what is best for each and every member of the party.
The national shrine has limited space, yet there are many other worthies that are still in the queue, so we have to grant this status sparingly. Some totemless opposition figures started making uncharitable comparisons between Cde Chinx and some members of my family who were duly honoured with national hero status. I was not impressed.
… AND THE NOTEBOOK
This week, the Commander of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces, General Constantino Chiwenga was given acres of space in the public media to threaten two representatives of the people who have chosen to take a different view of the much-hyped Command Agriculture programme. His acerbic anger was particularly directed at Higher and Tertiary Education minister, Jonathan Moyo, who has since decided to make the fabled programme his favourite chew toy to the extent of ridiculing it as “Command Ugly-Culture” and media reports about its exaggerated success as “Command Lies”.
To try and give some weight to his threats, Chiwenga went on to waffle about what used to happen in a war that ended nearly four decades ago. This is abnormal in any country that lays claim to being a democracy. Soldiers should always stay clear of politics. Only rogue soldiers try to have the best of both worlds; unless the country has become a military State where the Musharafs, the Babangidas and the Rawlings of this world are back in control.
As a patriot of repute, Dr CZ always violently disagrees with those who claim we are very silly as a country, but events on the ground regularly leave Yours Truly with egg on the face. Last week, the Government of Zimbabwe launched a $10,9 million refugee appeal after 6 000 Mozambicans who have crossed into Zimbabwe to flee low-level conflict taking place in that otherwise peaceful country.
This is ridiculous! Where is our African-ness when we cannot take care of just 6 000 of our brothers and sisters from the very country that literally carried us on its back when we were fighting for the so-called liberation of this country? Where is this brotherhood that we are always being told about by the very same political leaders who themselves spent years freeloading on Mozambican resources… one of them now a Vice President, spent more than five years living in the comfort of a five star hotel in Maputo, yet today taking care of just 6 000 Mozambican villagers has to be an issue for the whole world!
We ought to be ashamed as a nation because the 6 000 Mozambican citizens are nothing compared to the four million-plus of our own people who are — to all intents and purposes — refugees in South Africa, Botswana, Namibia right to overseas countries like the United Kingdom, Australia, United States of America and many other countries have been so kind to accept a people fleeing from a myriad of man-made calamities back home, without trying to let the world know what they are doing.
We wonder if there is another administration that is more irresponsible in this world than the one we have here in Harare. May all patriotic Zimbos collectively bow their heads in shame!
Bogus cop chief
Last week, Police spokesperson, Cde Charity Charamba, told us that the best way to identify a bogus police officer is by the way they dress… the uniform is either too big or too small.
Her description only served to remind us of the hilarious incident that took place a few years ago, when Police Commissioner General, Cde-Dr Augustine Chihuri conked out during a pass-out parade and gave the explanation that on this fateful day, he had put on different shoe sizes, size seven and size nine!
After 43 lives were lost in the Nyamakate bus disaster, our government — in its limitless wisdom — decided to issue an addled threat to ban night travelling by cross-border passengers buses. Fine and dandy!
Unhappily, a week later, another bus was involved in an accident in South Africa in the morning and more cross-border traders lost life and limb. Since our best solution is always rushing to ban, Dr CZ suggests that government should also ban cross-border buses to South Africa!
As a super patriot, Dr CZ has every reason to lose sleep over the increasing number of American preachers coming to Zimbabwe. Who does not know that the Bible was used by the evil West to colonise this country?
With our detractors currently stranded on how to tackle us next after our alert leadership has always beaten them hands down, why should we be so careless as not to see the real possibility of us being re-colonised through these new David Livingstones and Robert Moffats? Let it be recorded here and now that Dr CZ played his small part by at least warning the leadership about this possibility. Are there no evangelists in our all-weather oriental friends?