Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, as a committed pan Africanist, I am deeply disturbed by the very sad developments taking place in Kenya in the name of democracy. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to see the dirty hand of the evil West in all this. The Kenyan judiciary has, no doubt, been infiltrated and influenced into going against the wishes of the people.
As Africans, we cannot afford to stand aloof in the face of this affront. The very future of the continent is under threat. Democracy itself, as we know it, is under threat. Once this dangerous precedent is allowed to stand, that would be the end of democracy … that I can assure you!
As the most democratic, experienced and, more importantly, the most respected African statesman, it behoves me to call for an urgent, extraordinary meeting of the African Union to take a firm stand and demand as a continent that Cde Uhuru’s victory be restored. Surely, there is no way his victory, to which he was carried by millions of people, can be stolen by a mere gang of four puny men just like that! Once this is allowed to happen, I can assure you Cdes that this has a potential of opening floodgates of similar cases throughout the whole continent! You have to bear in mind that we will be having our own elections here in a few months’ time. Those criminals would also come here to repeat the same mischief. Where on the continent has an incumbent leader become so desperate as to steal the ballot the way Cde Uhuru is accused of doing? This is unheard of and this abomination should not be allowed to stand one more day!
I will be consulting with other African leaders on the sidelines of the United Nations General Assembly that will be taking place in New York shortly. Let me assure you, Cdes, that there will be no electoral rerun in Kenya.
Meanwhile, we should deploy some of our key personnel to do some ground work in Nairobi, just in case the rerun is forced through, in which case it should be a real resounding success like our own June 27, 2008 run-off election!
Last but not least Cdes, I am relieved that Cde Emmerson finally issued a clear-worded statement clearing the party, government and, most importantly, my family business of anything to do with his alleged poisoning because nothing like that ever happened. Even though he did not sign the statement himself, it doesn’t matter at all because what matters most is that the statement came from his office.
Meanwhile, you Cdes should thank the people who came for the solidarity march for my family that took place last week! It feels good as a leader to know that the people are solidly behind you always.
Let us all keep our eye on the ball Cdes. Challenge accepted!
When you see a whole Cabinet of ministers, most of them purported holders PhD degrees, sit for hours discussing Zodwa WaBantu’s underwear, or lack of it, then you should understand why this country is the joke that it is today. When ministers, who have been hiding and stammering when it comes to answering questions about the 2,2 million job threat, suddenly respond to a request from a sanctimonious prig in a matter of hours on this silly matter, then you know why your country is one apple short of a picnic! As for Aeneas Chigwedere and his gang at the Censorship Board, being a professional joker that he has always been, this presented him with a stage to do the puppetry on which he built his name.
The headmaster-turned-historian-turned-minister-turned-headman, whose son is accusing him of bewitching the whole clan was handy to lecture us about how Zodwa WaBantu’s stunt of not putting on underwear was against our culture.
Until now we thought that even failed historians like Chigwedere would know the basic that underwear, together with sugar, facilitated the colonisation process! Underwear was never part of our culture yet all of a sudden they are ours!
Anyone who has heard the noise around this Zodwa woman would think she is a monster that is trying to invite itself to Harare, yet it was the Government of Zimbabwe that begged her to come and divert its people’s attention from the real problems they are facing, only for it to turn around and make it look as if she had been sent by the devil himself.
Suddenly, one simple South African woman going by the stage name Zodwa WaBantu has become a threat to Zimbabwe in the same way the late Osama bin Laden was seen as a threat to American national security.
Tourism Minister, Walter Mzembi ― who thankfully lost the race for a top United Nations World Tourism Organisation post ― tells us that the dirty carnival is good for us because of the money that the country will be getting from it. Please dear reader; be kind not to ask Dr CZ how the money is going to be made! We just hope that in the aftermath of the naked mischief, the brother will call another press conference to give the nation a break down of the figures. Civil servants might as well start rubbing their palms in anticipation of an early bonus this year!
The reason we chased away the white commercial farmers and all other whites from this country was so that we take charge of our resources and make real money from them … the land, the mineral resources etc. In hindsight, we should be saying to ourselves, had we realised that Cde Mzembi & Co would come up with such resourceful ways of making easy money, we should just have left the whites to sweat it away on the farms and in the mines while we focused on carnivals, rallies, singing and dancing, among other things that we are naturally very good at.
Still on the carnival and all its mischief, Dr CZ is impressed that Pastor Charles Charamba and his wife, Olivia, will also be featuring alongside the nudists that will be strutting it out in the streets of Harare in broad daylight. We thought the couple was there to serve God. We, therefore, cannot help but wonder how this event that makes Lucifer himself pinkish-blue with pride also glorifies God! Unless they are in it for the money, which tempts detractors to suggest that some people could be worshiping mammon … the god of money. There are some people who are always ready to do anything as long as the money is good. Someone told Dr CZ that this is how people get into prostitution!
Last week, the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission had to run around fire fighting after “Rigger-General” Tobaiwa Mudede had boldly announced that metal identity cards would no longer be acceptable for voting next year. That is Mudede for you! We wonder if there is ever a moment in the life of the brother when he opens his mouth and fails to cause controversy!
Apart from his colourful and controversial career in election “management”, we have not forgotten his role in the Chinhoyi diesel saga where he supplied “Sekuru” Rotina Mavhunga with the diesel that was used to take the whole Cabinet up a garden path!
Youth and Indigenisation Minister, Patrick Zhuwao, was right for once when he robustly disabused the children of war veterans of their bizarre sense of entitlement! He told them that being children of war veterans does not entitle them to anything at all, so they should not behave as if they are owed anything by anyone … and that if anything, they should focus their attention on making themselves useful human beings, like their parents did, instead of just thinking of freeloading. We hope the little parasites heard.
Dr CZ is very, very happy that cash rates for mobile money continue to spike … this week they were reported by players in that market to be around 30 percent, which means for one to get a certain amount in hard cash from a mobile money agent, they have to pay 30 percent more, like $130 in order to get $100 cash. This is really good … very good! If only the rates could go beyond 100 percent!
That way, they will kill the primitive appetite for hard cash. What good reason does one have for always insisting on having money as hard cash when they can instead insist on making cashless payments? Unless one is going to sangomas or to transact in the Avenues or other illicit dealings where they cannot afford to leave any spool, why should Zimbos sleep in bank queues or pay extra in order to pay rent, transport or buy beer in hard cash? If the cash situation really gets tight, almost everything in this country can be paid for cashlessly without exception … from vegetables on the street, to fares on kombis, to anything!
One of the mobile money companies popularised its product through a kombi fare promotion where the passenger would pay $0,25 with the firm topping up the other $0,25 to make it $0,50. So what has since gone wrong? Almost all the businesses that have embraced plastic money did so on the realisation that they risked closing because customers were fleeing. There should be no excuse about some people being ignorant because when it comes to money, everyone gets alert. In this very country we used to change our currency almost every other week and we even had ZW$100 trillion notes, yet everyone kept their eye on the ball.
Let those who want to have hard cash for the sole purpose of going around showing it off pay a premium for it! Silly!
Meanwhile, if Police Commissioner General, Cde Augustine Chihuri, is not conking out at a police pass-out parade, he is waffling real nonsense in the name of preaching to his hapless subordinates. This is what he was saying in a purported sermon to his underlings in Chinhoyi this week: “There is no way one can be expected to lead a certain department when he is failing his life,” he said. “Kana uchitadza kutungamira mhuri yako, unotungamira sei kubatira nyika basa. (If you cannot run your own home, how can you do national duty)?
Dr CZ knows treason when he sees it! He should face exactly the same charges that Cde Victor Matemadanda is facing! This is the same man who used to go by the name Cde Stephen Chocha during the war, who ended up being detained for years for trying to prevent the leadership from ascending to power! It looks like that devilry is not completely exorcised!