Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, for time with no number, I have warned you against resting on your laurels … warning you never to think that our western enemies we have defeated on a number of occasions including in the great war that ended with our independence would tire. I have warned you of the importance of being on your guard always … of the need to always sleep with one eye wide open.
Here they are, at it again, those detractors of ours. After seeing that we are on our way to a sure victory in the coming harmonised elections, they are trying to play havoc with our economy once again. They want our people to vote with their bellies like they did in the March 2008 harmonised elections, a sham election that gave Morgan the false impression that he was more popular than me.
The reports I am getting from my boys on the ground suggest well-coordinated enemy activity to strangle the economy and cause artificial hardships through which they hope to force the people to rebel against our very popular rule. Cdes, I am not fazed at all. I am so used to this that it is just like sunrise to me. It is not new and something unexpected at all, so my reaction will be business as usual. We have defeated these enemies several times before and nothing has changed … their tactics and weapons are still the same.
There is nothing to lose sleep over. We will defeat them for the umpteenth time because of the good leadership that God and the gods blessed this country with. I am told they started with mopping out all our bond notes, before they came for our United States dollars — yes they are our US dollars because we earned them through the export of our tobacco, gold, diamonds, cotton and even our skilled labour — and now they are trying to cut our fuel supplies once again.
In the past, they used to intercept ships laden with fuel that the then NOCZIM had fully paid for and offering the oil companies double what we would have paid, to stop them from delivering our fuel to Beira. We learnt the folly of putting all our eggs in one basket. We have now made sure that the bulk of our fuel supplies come into the country through a plethora of oil firms. But from the look of things, it appears these oil firms have been infiltrated … most likely offered large sums of money not to deliver any fuel to this country, while making false excuses about the unavailability of forex.
We are going to deal with them in a way that would teach all businesses operating in this country the cost of conniving with the enemy! Even some basic food items have started disappearing from supermarket shelves, and this week, were it not for the fortuitous freezing of electronic payment platforms which were clogged by the panic buying frenzy, the shops would have been emptied by now. This would have given credence to the lie that things are falling apart once again.
Your duty, Cdes, is to go to the grassroots and reassure our people that their able leadership is still in full control of this country, and there is no need for anyone to panic. You need to tell them to disregard the lies that are being circulated by the enemy and their agents on the various social media platforms.
In fact, I would suggest that Cde Supa orders the telecoms sector to increase data tariffs even by 5 000 percent just to put these media platforms out of the reach of the bulk of these people … so that they remain uncontaminated by these criminal falsehoods that are being peddled all over. Can you imagine some of the lies that are being peddled on social media? That there is no longer any foreign currency to import fuel, to pay for power imports and raw materials for cooking oil because one of our children spent all the forex on importing luxury cars! What treasonous lies.
Surely, some lies that are being spread on these social media platforms border on treason … they are meant to incite people to rise against a constitutionally elected government. This should be stopped! Even some newspapers have to be tamed as well because their reports only serve to fan the flames of lies. Cdes, I suggest that we set up a taskforce to come up with a foolproof social media policy to protect our people from continued contamination by these corrosive falsities. We have to do it pronto! Meanwhile, we should continue to mobilise our people, especially the young ones whose future can only be entrusted to our able, tried and tested hands to register as voters in their numbers so that we can effortlessly romp to victory again next year.
Kindest Regards Yours Sincerely ME
. . . AND THE NOTEBOOK
Last week, we loved it when we saw a headline screaming: “President hits out at Trump!” We read the story with a keen eye searching if somewhere in the story, it was mentioned that finally Zimbabwe is going to have nothing to do with the evil Americans and the first step was to stop the usage of the enemy country’s currency. We did not see anything like that. All we saw is the Goliath stories … and we wondered if we are going to eat those stories because the situation in our country is too serious to be brushed aside by mere lullaby. While professors of denial are busy denying the reality on the ground, everything that should never again go wrong in a country is going wrong in this sorry apology for a country. Everything without exception! Being the selfish lot that we have perfected ourselves into being, our first reaction is self-preservation … we engage in panic buying and store up supplies and say: “Hameno zvavo!” We indeed care very little about others as we wait to see how the madness would unfold from the comfort of our homes. But the truth of it all is that sooner rather than later, the fire will catch up with us. We are a hopelessly foolish people and we deserve everything that we are going through. No serious people will ever allow themselves to be treated like morons the way we are being treated in this country. In the meantime, Dr CZ is not going to be so cruel as to ask the governor of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe, Cde Dr John Panonetsa Mangudya, any question lest he gives credence to those who have accused him of being clueless. His qualifications have also been called into question. Surely, what is happening around him should be sending his head spinning.
Meanwhile, to many Zimbo men, this Dr Amos Makarau is the luckiest man in this country, God having given him the most respectful and obedient wife in the form of Cde Justice Rita Makarau. There is no question at all that she was well-groomed and when you are a husband who is blessed with such a wife, surely what more can you ask for? Over and above, this is the sister that is, in turn, blessed with several government jobs in a country where unemployment is over 90 percent. Beholden as she naturally is to the appointing authority, who can blame her when she kneels before them? Even Dr CZ would do the same if he was even half that blessed. A story is told about how a man fainted after stumbling upon his wife’s school report and read the class teachers’ comments that she was a very obedient and very polite student!
Dr CZ was saddened by media reports that the “celestial” Emmanuel Makandiwa and his wife Ruth, together with their money-making project which they have the chutzpah to call a church, were dragged before the courts to answer charges of defrauding a Harare couple that claims to have been fleeced of a cool $6,5 million. We are told that the “prophet” is trying to get the court to “reason” that secular courts cannot hear a fraud case of a spiritual nature. Curiously, instead of bringing celestial lawyers to defend themselves, the accused are using secular lawyers to argue their case in secular courts. These “prophets” speak deliverance to their victims, yet they are captives of depravity. We hope the victim couple is not the very same one that has also fleeced Zimbos of millions of dollars over the years in a perfume scam. The perfume was imported from China for $1 a carton of half a dozen bottles, and then sold to Zimbos, who easily get bewitched into blindness by the love of anything that is said to be imported, for up to wait for it $15 each bottle! This couple made its millions this way, but as the Shona sages say gona ana gona wakewo, every dog will have its day. You sell bottled smoke to the public and get a lot of money, one day you come across bigger conmen selling eternity itself and you will happily pay for it. And you cry tears of blood? What about the millions of Zimbos you fleeced?
If Dr CZ had his own court, he was not going to find the accused guilty of any wrong doing … because it is the victims’ fault. Surely, there is no justice in blaming someone’s stupidity on someone else. One has to be so stupid to choose to believe even the most anodyne of things … like seeding to “Papa” instead of searching the Scriptures for the unvarnished. If the accused are to be prosecuted, then in all fairness everyone else in this world, who became filthy rich by packaging and selling fear to the unhinged, should also be arrested for fraud … these include all insurance companies, politicians, “beauty” products manufacturers and distributors, among others … for all these people are fraudsters that operate freely in broad daylight. It is like the victims of the perfume scam suddenly pursuing the couple demanding their refunds upon discovering that they have been made to pay for snake oil. Would it be fair on the couple, especially when the loot is long gone? If you are foolish enough to trust fellow man absolutely, then you should not blame anyone else other than yourself when that man disappoints you. Should it be the fault of the seller who only comes in to satisfy an existing demand for stupidity, which, to our collective shame, has such an insatiable market?
We are told Air Zimbabwe is going to have a “re-birth” by leasing some second-hand smaller planes. And the source of that “good news” is none other than Cde Joram Gumbo. And Gumbo was actually proud to refuse to reveal where the small planes are coming from. We truly are a bizarre country. We have normalised the abnormal to the extent that we are now proud of it. Gumbo thinks he is running his own chicken project or family tuck shop, the affairs of which is none of anybody’s business. This, in the normal conspiracy of things, is a chap who is supposed to be a public official, a servant of the people who is showing them the middle finger. Should we, therefore, wonder why this country is a mess that it
Acertain factory had a policy of hiring only married men. Concerned about this, a woman activist called the company’s boss and asked: “Why do you limit your employees to married men?” The reply: “Our policy is to hire staff who are used to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and put up with anything when they are yelled at. We find these qualities only in married men.”