Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I am really worried for Morgan … I am praying hard for the brother to get well soon because, no matter our differences, he still remains a brother to me.
Unlike some fake pastors who specialise in praying for death, my Christian values do not allow me even to dream of such a thing. His sins — if ever he has any — are strictly between him and his God … who am I to judge?
Since he went public with his ailment, I have been one of those assisting him to pay his medical bills because the spirit of ubuntu and my Christian values would have haunted me to my grave if I had not done something about this brother’s plight.
I have never wanted power to the point of wishing anyone dead — the only person I once wished dead was the late Ian Smith, but I later repented. Those of you who are old enough to know me, well, will testify that my track record is very clean … I have never lusted after power to the extent of wishing, let alone seeking to cause, the death of others.
I have never wrestled for a position even in the party, right from the time I joined politics in the 1950s … it has always been the people who have chosen me. There is no single grave that can be linked to me, either directly or indirectly, because I was brought up on the strong belief that the privilege to lead comes from God and the people, so I have never departed from that doctrine. And because I have been faithful to this Godly principle, God himself has also been faithful to me by blessing me with this long life and fighting my enemies for me.
This is also the reason that makes me very sad that Morgan is unwell … I would not want to appear to have won resoundingly again next year because my main rival has been unable to put his best in the race. That victory won’t be as cloyingly sweet as all others before. Being the Chuck Norris of elections, I would not want a victory that is as good as a walkover.
I am told that there is now talk in Morgan’s party — talk similar to that by some misguided elements of our party — that he passes the baton to someone in his party on account of his ill-health. That even worries me more because, in that case, whoever is going to naturally lose hands down to me would blame lack of experience for their loss, not on my disarming popularity.
It is for this very reason that you, Cdes, should join me in wishing Morgan a speedy recovery.
Meanwhile, this week I am in New York where, as is now par for the course, I will be telling those sanctimonious prigs what they don’t want to hear.
. . . AND THE NOTEBOOK
Women’s Affairs Minister, Cde Nyasha Chikwinya ― a drama queen in her own right ― was telling some women in Masvingo that her ministry is going to distribute 100 000 tractors to women farmers. Yes 100 000 tractors! And The Herald and all its layers of distinguished editors found nothing wrong in publishing an outrageous figure.
The last figure of our national tractor population that we got from Dr CZ’s homeboy, Cde Dr Joseph Made, was 15 092 in 2015. About 30 percent of these had been sitting on bricks for decades, leaving just about 10 000 to do all the tilling on the farms. Made said the optimum national tractor requirement was between 40 000 and 50 000.
Suddenly, Cde Chikwinya tells us that she will be delivering double that dream figure to women alone.
We should take time to understand this sister because this the very same sister who reportedly nearly caused a war within a war during the liberation struggle in Mozambique when one nationalist after the other violently disowned her newly born baby! It is the same sister who only recently prescribed aphrodisiac tablets for starving women in Gokwe … assuring them that good sex will deal the pangs of hunger a fatal blow! We wonder if the generous sister’s invitation for sex-starved men to come to her office, where she claimed there are enough women to satisfy them, is still open.
We are now waiting to see how Dr CZ’s foul-mouthed brother, Cde Christopher Mutsvangwa, is going to defend the lawsuit that could come from Defence Minister, Sydney Sekeramayi.
Mutsvangwa started last week by telling all and sundry that Sekeramayi — who some in the G40 faction of the misruling ZANU-PF are seeing as a possible successor to the old horse — is not a qualified medical doctor.
The war veteran-turned-diplomat-turned-Cabinet minister-turned rabble-rouser — who always appears to be in a trance of some sort — only rivals Dr CZ in having something to say about almost everyone in this country. The only fortunate difference is that Dr CZ is duly licensed to do that while all other pretenders are not.
Now that the Swedish university which trained Sekeramayi in the late 1960s into the early 1970s — together with a host of other institutions that register medical practitioners — have come forward to testify his bona fides, we wonder if Cde Mutsvangwa still has any shame remaining in him for him to find it necessary not just to keep his acerbic tongue in its scabbard for some time, but even for his whole self to go into hiding for a few years.
In this case, even some of Sekeramayi’s patients ― that is if he has any ― can actually sue for the shock and trauma that they can claim to have resulted from this naked falsehood by Cde Mutsvangwa.
We now also wonder what other lies he has told…especially about Jonathan Moyo, Cde Joice Mujuru, Cde Didymus Mutasa, Cde Simbarashe Mumbengegwi, just about everyone!
Those people who have been taking him on world tours, treating him as a reliable source of intelligence, might be realising that all along they may have been made to pay for bottled smoke.
Also thoroughly discrediting his already dubious reputation is publicity-seeking pastor Phillip Mugadza whose stunts are no longer amusing to those of us who have seen better mischief. We are told that he is now busy praying that his October death prophesy comes to pass, making us all wonder if the so-called prophesy had actually come from God. If indeed the Lord had given him the bad news to deliver, why would he have to pray hard to ensure that the prophecy comes to pass? Is he suggesting that God could have lied to him … or it was him who was lying thinking October will never come and he is now panicking and desperately trying to rope in God in his mischief?
It is those people who arrest perverts like this one that give them undeserved oxygen of publicity. Such people should simply be ignored out of existence.
The brother reminds us of what the Lord warns us of in Jeremiah 23 from verse16 where he says: “Do not listen to what the prophets say; they are filling you with false hopes. They tell you what they have imagined and not what I have said. (17) To the people who refuse to listen to what I have said, they keep saying that all will go well with them. And they tell everyone who is stubborn that disaster will not touch him. (21) I did not send these prophets, but even so they went. I did not give them any message, but still they spoke in my name.
(32) Listen to what I, the Lord say! I am against the prophets who tell these dreams that are full of lies. They tell these dreams and lead my people astray with their lies and their boasting. I did not send them or order them to go, and they are of no help at all to the people.
It is the same notorious brood that is referred to in the third book of Micah.
Anyway, October is only one spear throw away. If we have been patient all these months, what is left cannot kill us.
Still on these prophets (or are they profits?), we notice that Walter Magaya’s football team is not getting the miracle goals in the premier league so the owner has decided to try something else … taking modernity to the Doma people … or is it vice versa? We hope it is not just for a cheap harvest of publicity, but that the intention is to share the gospel of the cross with those people.
We say this because something like this has been popularised by some Western celebrities — the Dianas, the Madonnas and some such voyeurists — who would travel to Africa on a guided tour of its “poverty” when they are bored and or feeling suicidal and perform hugs for the global paparazzi, thereby re-certifying themselves as normal people. Everything else does not matter. What matters most to God is the motive because God’s people cannot be made object of fun — zoo creatures –— all for the sake of publicity for these hugging vacationers.
Dr CZ knows of some brothers who recently went on a tour to witness the “poverty” of these Doma people … only to lose their jobs shortly after publishing pictures of their pot-bellied selves (and huge off-road vehicles) while donating packets of super-refined mealie-meal to the thoroughly baffled peasants.
We sincerely hope and pray that no one is suggesting that God, who created these people and put them there and gave them that lifestyle that those of us who are the self-styled holders of civilisation standards find to be strange, made a grave error, which error we have arrogated ourselves the urgent obligation to correct in front of cameras.
By the way, what does the Good Book say about such deeds? It might not be surprising if very soon we are told that some surgeries are being arranged to “correct” the Doma people’s toes and fingers. That is the attitude that Europeans had when they came to Africa and we believed them. Today, they tell us how poor we are because they use their standards and currency to measure wealth and poverty. However, the truth of the matter is that we don’t need most of the things that they made us believe to be essential to our lives.
Last week, we loved a screaming headline: “Gambia hails Zim health sector.” In a land of the blind, a one-eyed man is made king. If these Gambians hail a health sector that we are all fleeing from —both the owners of the country and their detractors — what will they say when they finally visit South Africa, Singapore and some such other place where all the people that really matter in this country are treated?