Closely following your shenanigans, Cdes

Dear Cabinet and
Politburo members

COMRADES, as I pointed out in my address at the just-ended party youth conference, I will not have a Politburo or Central Committee that is inept.  Surely, how can we allow our love for positions to divide the party like that? So bad that even our detractors are laughing at us.
And those children you tried to starve? What wrong did they commit by coming to join the party when most of their peers are being lured by the false promises of the West?

My family had to go out of its way to single-handedly feed those youths yet we had a fully-fledged committee made up of very senior party members that was organising that conference? Surely you have lots and lots of money to buy votes, yet you have nothing to donate to the party? Sure, sure? The very same party that made most of you what you are today? Well, the Women’s League is holding its own conference as we speak.

I am closely watching everything that is taking place. Come December, our congress will deal with all those who have decided to subordinate party interests to their own! I am also told that this pirate radio station that closed recently is blaming Morgan and the MDC-T for making things difficult for it. Reports coming indicate that UK-based SW Radio Africa blamed the “massive disarray” in the opposition for causing donor-fatigue, which development resulted in the pirate station running out of funding.

Those who doubted me when I assured you that we would win this “war” can now see for themselves. This radio station is one of the many donor-funded regime- change projects that have collapsed since our resounding electoral victory last year.  After 15 or so years of pumping hard cash into the regime-change movement, the West is suddenly realising that it is still far from achieving its goals. If anything, our party has become even stronger. It is therefore not surprising that most of these funders are giving up. To America and its allies, this has become yet another Vietnam.  I am so glad that despite the problems we have with weevils here and there, we have largely remained unconquerable.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely

…And CZ’s Notebook

As ZANU-PF conducts elections for members of its youth and women’s leagues in readiness for its elective congress due in December, there have been reports of serious vote-buying, voter intimidation, age-cheating and even kidnappings. All this sounds very familiar to those who are Zimbabwean enough. As things look, we cannot rule out visiting the Heroes Acre a few more times before the December congress finally takes place. Watch this space!

Until now, Dr CZ did not understand why he suddenly has become the subject of so much envy among his peers until he realised that his new erudite title — which he earned so effortlessly and sometimes takes for granted — is something that many people around the world would kill for. Yours Truly cannot believe that there are so many people who are dying to have paper qualifications — sometimes just any qualification — to flout around even if they cannot tell their left from right.

This week, the media reported that an Agriculture, Mechanisation and Irrigation ministry employee, Anyway Mavima, was recently convicted and fined by a Gweru magistrate court for using a fake Midlands State University degree to gain promotion at his workplace. While this was happening, a prominent South African politician and ruling African National Congress stalwart as well as (fellow) newspaper columnist “Dr” Pallo Jordan disappeared from the radar following shocking media revelations that for nearly three decades, the fellow has been using non-existent qualifications!

According to the brother’s (who has once been a cabinet minister, and is a member of Parliament in the current legislature) impressive official government curriculum_vitae: “After Jordan finished his schooling in Cape Town, he attended various universities in South Africa, the United States and Britain. He left the country in 1962 to study at the University of Wisconsin in the US. He has acquired a number of degrees – including a postgraduate degree from the London School of Economics.”

However, in the past two weeks, the universities that the flamboyant ANC “intellectual” claimed to have earned his mouth-watering qualifications from stridently disowned him, starting with the University of Wisconsin.  The London School of Economics and the University of Cape Town also followed suit, saying they had no record of Jordan ever being their student. By the time the kill-joy media tried to cross-check facts with the “learned” brother, he was nowhere to be found… even his home in an up market Cape Town suburb was deserted, with his party and friends failing to trace him.

So much about the need to be a somebody! This incident certainly reminds some of us of a certain Zimbabwean television personality who landed a top post at the South African Broadcasting Corporation years ago, only for someone to decide to just confirm with the university listed on the CV! Unless he has been misinformed (by these dubious intellectuals), Dr CZ is made to believe that after prostitution and drugs, the fake educational qualifications industry is one of the fastest growing industries globally as demand for paper qualifications continue to grow exponentially!

Fake qualifications come in all shapes and sizes, ranging from those issued by dubious institutions, to those in which candidates brazenly cheat/plagiarise, to those in which academic staff are paid in cash and/or in sweet kind to give undeserved marks, right to those that simply exist on paper. Many Zimbos are quite familiar with all the above genuine fakes, plus much more! Hopefully none of Dr CZ’s loyal fans is feeling queasy as they read this! Isn’t it true that it is only an old lady that feels uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb?

Anyway, the consolation is that this is not only confined to Zimbabwe or Africa (Nigeria being the continental leader!) but it is actually a global phenomenon. Two years ago, Germany education minister, Annette Schavan, quit after being stripped of her doctorate over plagiarism. Earlier on the country’s defence minister, Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, had also quit over the same case of a plagiarised thesis. Maybe it is high time someone with nothing to do started trawling around for such qualifications among our public officials. You never know!

Apart from some lucky “engineers” who are proud Cabinet ministers who have shown that it is very easy to source equally dubious awards for the country, most of the high-sounding educational qualifications we hear of everyday could be fakes, which might actually explain something, the way things have been run (or is it running themselves?) in this country! Suppose there is a new law demanding that the qualifications of all public officials be published? There could be a spike in suicide cases in Zimbabwe!

“The liquidity crunch has affected our businesses. There is a general decline in business and that affects readership; companies are also not advertising. Buying newspapers is now a luxury. People now have to deal with bread and butter issues first.” This was said by Zimpapers boss as he announced a 20 percent salary cut for all staff at the media house recently.

“The 20 percent salary cut is a proposal that was consulted on and the board has to approve it. It has not been imposed. This is a business strategy. Things would get back to normal if the economy improves.” Anyway, the good thing is that, even without the involvement of the moribund Zimbabwe Union of Journalists (ZUJ), workers at the Glass & Mortar Building are ready to fight this pay cut by the company, one of several that fall under Jonathan Moyo’s ambit.

Dr CZ has a brotherly suggestion. When the Zimpapers workers meet management over this emotive issue, they need to take with them a copy of the flagship newspaper in which some senior government official was telling all and sundry that the economy was on a rebound and Zim-Asset was working.

There is certain no way Cde Mutasa and his management team can know better than the powers-that-be. We wait to see. In the meantime, Dr CZ wonders what would be left at the Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation in the likely event that its outgoing CEO Cde Happison Muchechetere drags the corporation to court to demand his millions that have been accumulating over the several months during which he has been on suspension.

Even before he was suspended, ZBC had gone for several months without paying its staff, Muchechetere included. We say this because only last week a former newscaster Abigail Mvududu attached most of the corporation’s movable property at its Pockets Hill headquarters after winning a labour dispute, resulting from her illegal dismissal during Cde Moyo’s previous tenure. Before Cde Muchechetere’s suit comes, already workers at ZBC are fighting an illegal salary cut effected last December as per Cde Moyo’s directive. If government officials could be personally held accountable for all the costly decisions they make when they are in office, Cde Moyo would certainly be languishing in jail!

Those of us who were scandalised by Asiagate reports that some State-media journalists had taken part in the match-fixing scandal involving the country’s national soccer team thought these colleagues of ours had restricted themselves to accepting bribes and writing glowing news reports about these matches… then it emerged that some of them had actually sat on the team’s technical bench. Now it is emerging that these colleagues of ours actually played in some of these matches… thereby earning themselves the Warriors’ cap that many a player are dying for. While he wonders which positions his colleagues played for the national team, Dr CZ cannot help feeling envious!

  • Mwana Wevhu

    Another brilliant piece from Dr CZ (hope your degree was not acquired through dubious and unscrupulous means, otherwise you would have to resign and God knows how I will miss your articles) Looking forward to next week.

  • Phato Sthole

    CZ you kill me dead uyazi? Kuti dhii kufa nekuseka! Hamheno ikoko.

  • masvukupete

    I am still waiting to hear where I can get certified as a super patriot. I need that certification pronto, as I need to join Zanu Pf and challenge Bob himself as the 1st Patriot. I wonder if Bob has already been certified, I could pip him on certificates alone. Kikikikiki. I always enjoy this column.

  • Mdidi

    Good piece man, I am sure the “best” minister of tourism reads this with so much worry about your proposal on request for authentification of qualifications. You hitting closer to homes of many. Kushaya ngaphakathi!

  • Jacques Untel

    Memo to Dr. CZ: Check dictionary. Look up “flout” and “flaunt”. Listen to me, as I have 37 degrees from Celsius University!

  • Makoronyera

    Very true BROTHER CZ, from now on I will address people without the academic title until they prove otherwise kkkkkkk

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