The Financial Gazette

CABINET FILES WITH CZ

Dear Cabinet and
Politburo members

COMRADES, I am quite impressed with the way most - if not all - of you have been behaving towards Morgan & Co.

 The time is up for those fellows . . .  so no more niceties any more. We have to show them in a practical way that they are no longer welcome.
 They are trying to scuttle our plans to have elections this year - with or without a new constitution - hoping that they could cling on to those sinecures for a few months longer and fatten their back pockets before they are consigned to the dustbin of history for good. But this whole nation cannot be held to ransom by a few opportunists who know that they cannot stand against us in an election. So the best way to go is to make this so-called inclusive government dysfunctional. You should throw spanners around and make sure nothing works.
 I am happy, by his own admission, most of you Cabinet members simply ignore him out of existence. That is how it should be. On my side, I will make sure I remain as obdurate as flint when it comes to those so-called outstanding issues. None of those reforms will ever materialise. Kusanyara . . . Morgan had the gall of passing on a letter written by his masters in the West cataloguing things that they say I should do before I call for elections. Foolish young man! If he was the one who wrote that letter -which I have not officially received - by now he should know that Gushungo does not work on ultimatums and conditions! He and his handlers are just wasting their time . . . suppose I continue stone-walling on these so-called outstanding issues - which are now effectively sine qua non for this country's next elections - say for the next 10 years, will that mean this country will not hold elections in the next decade or so? Silly isn't it? They start something that they cannot sustain.
I say they are foolish because they allowed me to hoodwink them into accepting part of the deal on the promise that the rest would be delivered as we went along . . . I have never seen people who are so daft in all my life. Surely, how can one trust their enemies like they trust their own grandmother? Moreso a politician for that matter! A politician always does what is expedient at the moment.
Does this Morgan fellow expect me to sign into law reforms that will effectively take away all the powers of incumbency that I have enjoyed over the years? Just sign them away just like that and immediately go for elections? If I were to do that, I would go into the Guinness Book of Records as the most brainless person of all time!
Well, about the so-called hot potato - the issue of Cde Augustine's tenure - I have already made my mind and I am going to do exactly what I have decided, in consultation with myself! Just like I have always done before, I will not be consulting anyone on this one. They can go and hang!
Between now and the elections, let us frustrate these people left, right and centre . . . they should not continue to feel comfortable and important in our government. They are all piddling nobodies.

Kindest Regards

Yours Sincerely

ME

. . . AND NOW TO THE NOTEBOOK

 Waiting to see!
Last weekend a South African musician reportedly rose from death, more than two years after his burial. In December 2009, South African maskandi singer, Khulekani Kwakhe "Mgqumeni" Mseleku, reportedly died after consuming a poisonous potion brewed by a traditional healer.
But on Sunday, police had to use water cannons to control the buzzing crowd who had flocked to Mgqumeni's rural hometown of Nquthu, north of Durban, as a man claiming to be him told of his captivity in Johannesburg, where he was allegedly taken three years ago. The man claimed to have been living in a bush with tokoloshes, zombies and animals.
It was reported that at the time of his "death" Mgqumeni was the country's second best-selling maskandi musician . . . which means he had a very strong following.
Didn't CZ repeat a Harare rumour being circulated by some heart-broken Zimbos who cannot believe that Solomon Mujuru really is no more? They are expecting something like that . . . "wait and see," we always hear them swearing. We heard something similar when Michael Jackson died. Well, we will wait and see!
Rumbles!
We loved the statements by Cde Johannes Tomana on Commissioner-General of Police, Augustine Chihuri, whose term of office has long expired. Tomana really went mad at the media for reporting that Chihuri was jobless and went on to spew some addled threats towards fellow citizens who he accused of putting the security of the country at risk...blah, blah. Which law school did the brother go to? Many of us are now wondering! But one thing we are quite sure of is that the school should really be from some other planet because his own rudimentary interpretation of the law is equally from some other planet!
We liked the Shona version of his interview in which he reminded us that everyone who is in the government today is there because of President Robert Mugabe's mercy as someone who won the 2008 election. At least Cde Tomana did not specify with particular election!
Wonderful
The Sunday Mail's team of investigative journalists mean business this year . . . they have started the year with a bang, we can all see! This week they led with an earth-shattering scoop in which Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai (the man who help them feed and clothe their families) was caught red-handed - so to speak - admitting that elections should be held like yesterday! Using their investigative skills, they "exclusively obtained" a draft letter allegedly put together by some Western wirepullers for onward transmission by Tsvangirai to the Head of State and Government and Commander-in-Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces, President Robert Mugabe.
 According to The Sunday Mail, whenever the draft finally gets to President Mugabe, Tsvangirai would be imploring him to please hurry election up. If what was reproduced in the paper is the draft letter, there is nowhere where Tsvangirai begs for election to be held this year. Maybe this is exactly what separates The Sunday Mail journalists from the rest!
After Minister of State in the PM's office, Jameson Timba, revealed that the so-called draft was infact official communication delivered to the President's Office last Friday, the stridency and trenchancy with which Presidential spokesperson, Cde George Charamba both defended the weekly against breaching the Official Secrets Act and as well as denied that the letter had been delivered to his boss help us hazard a guess as to who could have passed this document to the media!
Imagine what would have happened had Daily News journalists published what they claimed was a draft letter from the President's Office! Surely some animals are more equal than others!
Factors!
Still on the patriotic Sunday Mail, CZ loved this story about this not-so-liked milk processing company, Nestle, having the gall to go against all odds to invest a princely US$41 million in its local expansion programme. In the story, the writer told us: "At its peak, Zimbabwe produced more than 260 million litres of milk per annum, but a combination of factors has seen that figure plummeting to 50 million, with the dairy heard estimated to have fallen from 200 000 to less that (sic) 40 000." You and I know that the writer is not allowed to tell Zimbos the whole truth so naturally there was no way he could fill them on what these "combination of factors" could be. CZ is more than ready to give a helping hand here.
Just worried
CZ is worried. About these Mozambicans who this week were threatening to cut power supplies to us over a paltry US$5 million debt. What could have happened to our all-weather blood friendship of yesteryear? Have they forgotten so quickly? Or are we seeing a hand of our Anglo-Saxon foes at play here?
Gone well!
At the weekend CZ fellow columnist, Bornwell "Bo-rncha" Chakaodza, was laid to rest in Guruve, his rural home. CZ feels particularly hard done, but there is nothing one can do once God's time has come. One day, our time will also come, and we hope and pray that there would be people who would remember us with such fond memories as those that we remember Chakaodza with.
CZ admired the stoicism with which the man fought the battle with cancer. Well, apart from all the things that were said about the man in those moving graveside eulogies, one other thing CZ and many of his journo colleagues will also remember Borncha for is the phrase "fat cats on the kopje" which has survived to this day. Everytime CZ met him, he would call him "a former fat cat on the kopje" and we would laugh heartily about it.
For the uninitiated, during his tenure as editor of The Herald, Borncha used this not-so-flattering term to refer to CZ and his former bosses at this media house, unbeknownst to him that one day they were going to have the longest laugh after he had become one of those fat cats!

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