The Financial Gazette

Chilling Out with Grace Mutandwa

THERE are many forms of love and one of the most valuable is that shared between friends. There are very few people I consider true friends — both male and female. This is because I place a lot of value on friendship. I am loyal to my friends and I appreciate the fact that they are loyal to me too.
Over a number of years, I have formed very close friendships that mean a lot to me for various reasons. These are people who share my sorrow, my happiness, my fears and my hopes. They have got my back and I have got theirs. They accept me for who I am, warts and all. They love me with all my flaws and I love them right back.
Many people take friendship for granted. It takes years of work to develop a friendship, but very little time to destroy it.
People you work with, meet in church or at various parties are not necessarily your friends. They are either colleagues or mere acquaintances. Friends are people who are there through rain or sunshine not fair weather people.
There are people who come to you for advice or at times enjoy lunch or occasional drinks with you, but they are not friends. Some might want your company because they use you as a social or emotional crutch.
The reason why you have people who have 600 friends on Facebook is because they cannot define what a friend is. I only joined Facebook because one of my sons invited me then I got five other invitations which I accepted — two are real friends, one is my son and the rest are acquaintances.
I have enough mad things to waste my time on than spend my life “Facebooking” strangers. I make no apologies for refusing to be put through a senseless guilt trip and being forced into internet relationships.
Some people think I am rude because I refuse any more invitations. I am not into meaningless relationships, so I do not waste my time with people I do not know. Those I know but do not consider friends I also turn down. I think it is silly to claim 600 people for your friends. I think it is another form of insecurity.
I have male friends who have been a part of my life for more than three decades. These are platonic friends. I know many people say you cannot have friends of the opposite sex. You can as long as both parties are clear about the rules of engagement.
Admittedly, there is always an element of admiration or attraction in platonic friendships. This is the reason why many people — mostly men — think it is impossible to have friends of the opposite sex.
If you are able to see the other person without attaching sexual needs or possibilities, then you can have the makings of a beautiful friendship. Over the years I have tapped into my male friends for little nuggets on men.
But you also have another dimension of friendship. It is the one where boy meets girl and they become friends. Somewhere down the road, boy and girl realise they both have nobody in their lives or just cannot get the friendship only thing right; so they turn to each other for physical satisfaction. These are friends with benefits.
Big Brother  Africa All Stars’ Meryl of Namibia describes her relationship with Tanzanian, Mwisho, as friends with benefits. They have crossed the line of true friendship. They succumbed to temptation. Lust does strange things to people.
There are several people in “platonic” relationships that have turned into friends with benefits. Some are single, but others are married and looking for a physical connection because it no longer exists in their “committed” relationships.
Like I have said before, I do not judge. What people do with their bodies in their own space is their business but in everything we do we have to ensure that we do not hurt other people.
When you move from platonic to benefits, then you need to cross-examine yourself — ask yourself if you will still respect yourself tomorrow.
My male friends have been a real blessing. These are people who have become a very important part of my life and I would not want to do anything to jeopardise that. All my friends are a gift from God. They are also the family I have created for myself.
For me, friendships are on the same level as the gift of a hug. I am selective about whom I hug. Hugging for me is reserved for people who mean a lot in my life not just every Jack and Jill. Hugging everyone around you is not a form of sophistication, it is just a sign of confusion.
Hugging is an important emotionally charged non-verbal communication. We hug people we love. We hug to re-assure loved ones in distress and we also hug to say I love you or well done to our nearest and dearest. When in doubt stick to hugging your children and spouse.
Many people find themselves in sticky and emotionally traumatic spaces because they fail to set clear parameters about things that might end up affecting their lives with their spouses.
Be clear about your friendships. Your friends — both male and female — need to know  the areas of your life they fit into. Your friends should be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings and you are the one responsible for ensuring that.
When you really love your spouse you know what they like and which of your friends they are comfortable with. If you torment your other half with people you know have no respect for your relationship, then you have unresolved issues and being in a committed relationship is something you cannot yet handle.
True friendship helps us grow. It also helps us be better people and teaches us to be selfless people. In marriage, love or friendship, true love is not a matter of counting the years, but making the years count.
“A true friend is one who sticks by you even when he gets to know you well,” EC McKenzie, American writer and compiler.
More love. xoxo

- Grace Mutandwa can be contacted on: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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