MY former Comrades, I would want to believe that you are still steadfastly on my side. It really gets me mad to notice that the media and the people are already erroneously referring to me as former president when they should refer to me as the legitimate president.
This week, my anger was kindled when I noticed how the duplicitous West was fawning around the Junta’s poster boy, who is masquerading as the legitimate leader of this country. It made my blood boil, especially when I noticed that he appears to destroy my whole legacy in the same way Nikita Khrushchev obliterated Stalin’s. So much about Operation Restate Legacy!
It goes on to show that he was a sell-out right from the start, which explains why most of my government’s programmes never fully succeeded. He was a mole planted by our enemies in the West. Now the truth is coming out. Surely, the definition of a coup has not changed and what happened in November last year was exactly that… a coup d’etat. Yet the West does not want to see it for the reality that it was, and instead goes on to embrace this traitor. That shows how Janus-faced this West is.
And I see the Junta-boy is in a hurry to have elections as he is desperate for legitimacy. If you ask me, I will tell you that if you take someone’s wife and you rush to have a white wedding with her, that does not wash away your dangerous status as a spouse thief. Wherever you go, people will look at you suspiciously and talk in hushed tones. This is the case here. Nothing will ever take away the fact that this regime came into power through a military coup. I notice that the public media has since been commanded to publish fictitious letters purportedly written to me after the people dismissed some of these sell-outs from the party and government. Let me make the record straight here. I never received those letters. To the best of my knowledge, those letters are being written by some spin-doctors who are trying to re-write history. Thankfully, the people know the unadulterated history of this country.
Well, when the elections come — in which Morgan and other opposition leaders will be contesting against the military junta disguising itself as the revolutionary ZANU-PF party. Being the quintessential democrat that I have always been, I will do the right thing and vote for Morgan. This is despite the fact that these will be sham elections. Anyway, being the devout Catholic that I am, I leave everything to God. I leave my enemies to the wrath of God. He allows some things to happen for His glory to manifest, just as He said in His Word when He hardened Pharaoh’s heart so that His power could be seen to the children of Israel.
In the same way, when the people of this country have gone through the harrowing times that surely await them under this junta, it is only then that they will realise what an angel they had for a leader in the short 37 years that I ruled them. They need something to compare with in order to know what dictatorship really is like. What I know with certainty is that this abomination will not go unpunished. The irate Lord is already withholding His rains.
“I once saw — in the most visual of demonstrations — how power shifts,” wrote Lord Timothy Bell, a British marketing and public relations executive better known for managing Margaret Thatcher’s election campaigns, in his autobiography.
“I saw it physically accross a room. It was the day when John Major took over the role of Prime Minister. We were all gathered around Margaret (Thatcher), with most of the cabinet and some other MPs. Major hadn’t yet arrived. Everyone was chattering away, telling her what a good job she had done, and how it had been the greatest leadership ever. Then, suddenly, Major walked in. And like a huge swarm of bees, the entire group moved, as one, in a single instantaneous surge, across the floor to surround him.” This is certainly not what happened to me. I know you are all still loyal to me, having made you what you are as I did. Aren’t you?
Your One and Only Leader
. . . . AND NOW THE NOTE BOOK
THE cholera outbreak that has hit the country only goes to confirm what Donald Trump said recently in a fair comment about some countries, a comment that some deliberately choose to mistake for an insult. This time around we are not going to repeat the phrase for obvious hygienic reasons, but developments — in fact, more of lack of them — on the ground only serve to duly confirm that Trump is not really the madman that many think of him. In fact, most people who are considered insane are seen like that because they tend to be in the minority and the truth by its very nature always traffics with the minority.
Cholera is a 13th Century disease that should not be killing people in the 21st Century. If anything, when such deaths occur, those purporting to be leaders ought to be charged with criminal dereliction of duty in their personal capacities so that it serves as a warning to all criminals that politics is not a playground for people who find their lives to be boring.
What can be expected when seemingly sane adults find it normal to wake up and bath early in order to go and line up at the airport to see a president off to a foreign trip? Thankfully, Dr CZ, the natural sclerotic pessimist, is expecting nothing good to come out of this charade so no disappointment awaits him at the end of it all.
DR CZ is inconsolably dejected. This follows the reversal of last week’s well-deserved dismissal of police national spokesperson, Cde Charity(-less) Charamba — along with 18 other senior police officers — in what had been seen as good riddance. Sadly, because of the complicated web of the political patronage that has since seen this country sink this low, 19 of the original 30 dismissals were stayed.
Media reports suggested that the motley was actually a gang of criminals masquerading as law enforcers, but since not anyone of them has been convicted in a competent court of law yet, we will not repeat that allegation for obvious reasons.
As Dr CZ had repeatedly pointed out in the past, no organisation that cares about its image would hire such an arrogant termagant as its spokesperson. Only an occupation force would have a clenched face character like a newscaster on a North Korean national TV station reading addled threats to the jail the country’s imaginary enemies, for a national spokesperson. At the time of her celebrated brief dismissal, a junior officer was being persecuted for allegedly describing her as an idiot. Thankfully, the courts saw through it and confirmed that he was not in the wrong.
That audio that is being strenuously denied is testimony enough of the character that we are talking about. Can someone tell Dr CZ in diagrams how all that audio could have been cooked up?
Still on criminals that masquerade as law enforcers, Dr CZ has it on good grounds that some junior police officers who were forced to buy former police chief, Augustine Chihuri’s dissertation that was passed off as a book for a jaw-dropping price of $100 are organising themselves to lay criminal extortion charges against the embattled Cde Stephen Chocha. If indeed the police force is 40 000 strong and say only a quarter of them (10 000) fell victim to this extortion racket, that is a cool US$1 million for the back pocket! We hope that it is not true that the victims were also made to buy another book written by the former chief’s daughter!
HEAR, hear! “We are unapologetic about the cars we received from President Mnangagwa recently,” said Chief’s Council life president (Mis)Fortune) Charumbira as he lamely tried to comment on the emotive issue of car freebies to the ZANU-PF political commissars that moonlight as traditional chiefs.
“Those vehicles are necessary for the status, dignity and respect of the traditional leaders. If anything, we deserve those cars more than anyone else in this country.”
After saying this, he went on to further confuse himself (and his audience and us the povo). “Contrary to popular belief that we were given the cars for free, we actually bought them with our own money. People are just ignorant about this whole thing. The cars were purchased with the money we have been contributing towards the Chiefs’ Vehicle Scheme since 2004. We did not get them for free,” he emphatically declared.
So which is which here? Did the chiefs buy the cars the way some teachers’ unions are doing for their members or they got them from the government as part of their perks as ruling party shock-troopers? Sometimes it is necessary that a lie be rehearsed by all those involved!
Maybe Dr CZ is used to being very poor, but the fact that former ZESA executive chairman, Sydney Gata, is demanding to be paid $10 million extra in addition to what he has already been paid for running down the power utility makes us wonder how much is $10 million worth. At this rate, it makes us all feel that Gata’s (former) brother in-law, former president Robert Mugabe, then deserves $10 trillion for doing a better and bigger destruction job over a longer period. Surely, how can someone, even one with no conscience at all, have the gall to make such a demand?
We are not in any way suggesting that he obviously got the executive chairmanship because he was married to Mugabe’s sister, Regina, but we are politely demanding to know what he is basing his demand on… the deliverables?