MY former Comrades, this being my first January — and also first ever year — in which I have nothing to do with myself in my whole life; I have to admit that I am finding life to be rather a yawning bore. If life was always half this boring, I doubt very much that I would have lived this long. Now I understand how it feels to be a lay-about.
I now have an idea what drives otherwise seemingly normal adults to indulge in beer-drinking and some such mischief… it is the crushing boredom that comes with having nothing to do with one’s self. I now perfectly understand the plight of those men and women who make careers out of attending public events such as political rallies, soccer matches, religious assemblies and even those that end up engaging in hooliganism.I have tried to read books in the past six or so weeks since the junta kidnapped me and went on to write a letter announcing my purported resignation (I hope Zimbabweans are aware that I never wrote that letter), but I have found it rather boring. I am not used to this type of life. Even the 11 long years that I spent in Smith’s prisons did not prepare me for this type of life.
The 37 short years that I gave my very best to this country and its people made me the public figure that I never wanted to be in the early years of my life. Now I am unable to control myself. I am so addicted to the inebriating oxygen of publicity.
As I wait for my next deployment by the people of this country that trust me beyond reason, I have since remembered that I am also a qualified legal practitioner. A lawyer. A barrister. A top advocate for that matter and not the borderlines that we see accompanying their clients to jail every day.
I am, therefore, seriously toying with the idea of opening my own law firm… naturally eponymously named just like Biti Law, Chimuti & Associates and some such. The only difference would be that this one will provide top notch legal counsel and political consultancy, especially to politicians and governments the world over. They can only learn from the master himself.
Those that claimed that I did not know what I was doing and went on to push me out of office have no choice, but to follow my every other policy to the hilt. What can be expected of people who cannot tell their left from right? All they are good at is violence. After violently taking over power, they found themselves stranded… not knowing what to do and were left with no choice, but to do what the world’s best ever leader showed them. First, it was retaining my cabinet almost in its entirety. After that we expect to see the miracles that they promised? But instead, they are just but continuing with my programmes for the purpose of fulfilling them.
I am told that they are already denying that they promised the people that they would turn around the economy inside 100 days… now that the countdown to the deadline has started, they are now denying that they ever made such a promise. They said Ziscosteel would be up and running inside 100 days… the same as the National Railways of Zimbabwe, Air Zimbabwe… you name them. They promised to deliver millions of jobs inside the 100 days, but we now notice that they are trying to disown that promise. They are now engaged in running battles with vendors. The plan is to chase the vendors off the streets so that they can claim that everyone who was previously unemployed is now gainfully employed somewhere.
Some people thought having a lot of small houses around qualified them to run the country. Now let us wait and see.
Your One and Only Leader
. . . . AND NOW THE NOTE BOOK
GOING into the weekend, American oddball president, Donald Trump, touched off a storm when he was quoted describing some countries in this world — more specifically African, Central America and Carribean — as sh*thole countries. His remarks naturally drew the ire and opprobrium of a number of these countries, with some of them almost threatening to commit suicide over the slur. Even the United Nations, which is supposed to be a busy organisation, found itself joining the redundant African Union in condemning Trump for merely stating what otherwise is as plain as a nose on one’s face.
The fact that Trump used unhygienic language does not take away the point that the brother was trying to drive home. The countries that Trump was referring to are those that fit the following bill:
These are countries that are worse than not countries at all. You see, he was talking of countries where leaders — rulers actually — think of elections always, not the welfare of the people they purport to lead to the point of splashing millions of dollars on purchasing votes when basics like medical facilities in those countries are as good as non-existent. Gross irresponsibility like buying chiefs luxury cars when hospitals have no ambulances, and clinics have no basic pain killers.
These are countries in which politicians seek to come into office for their own sake, not to serve anyone, but themselves and themselves alone. In these countries, elections are not held for any purpose other than to give a veneer of legitimacy to a conspiracy of “criminals”.
In these countries, the people who purportedly choose leaders become subservient to these leaders, not the normal other way round. As soon as these sham elections are over, the people have to immediately be scared stiff of the very same people they would have hired to serve them.
Most of these countries are endowed with vast natural resources, but they are grievously poor because these resources are private property of the ruling political elite and their hangers-on. Despite their poverty, these are countries that have the largest cabinets and administrations in order to accommodate relatives and friends.
These are countries in which there are people who are employed — and also employ themselves — exclusively to get angry on the behalf of the (mis)leaders. A*se-licking is a national ritual that everyone, who thinks they are something, have to perform publicly without shame.
Those who purport to be leaders of these countries effectively confirm that their countries are indeed sh*thole nations by preferring everything foreign. From medical treatment, to education for themselves and their children, to their sartorial needs, to bank pigeonholes to stash their loot, to anything one can ever imagine. It has to come from abroad because they know that anything that their filthy pawns touch in their resident country is contaminated.
Citizens of sh*thole countries usually confirm the status of their nations by fleeing from them in droves… some having as high as a third of their citizens leaving! There is no better way of confirming this status than this.
It is, therefore, surprising that there are some countries that were quick to protest when Trump made his remarks instead of focussing on the substance of the point that he was driving home.
DEAR fan of Dr CZ. Now read this: (ZANU-PF Chiefs’ Council president (Mis)Fortune) Charumbira said in the new political dispensation which ushered in Mnangagwa, traditional leaders should not be left out in the political matrix of ZANU-PF.
“We work with government and the ruling ZANU PF,” he said.
“I know people say this should not be said, but that is the truth. We are ZANU-PF.”
The Constitution of Zimbabwe in Section 281 (2b) clear-wordedly states that traditional leaders must not be members of any political party or in any way participate in partisan politics.
(c) act in a partisan manner
(d) further the interests of any political party.
This is a regime that is claiming that it is committed to upholding the supreme law of the land that is starting off by wantonly vandalising that very Constitution. It only takes foolish Zimbos to invest their trust in this regime.
The difference between the new owners of the country and their predecessors may not be more than in just names and age… as some detractors are already suggesting. Since dismissing himself from ZANU-PF on June 2, 1982, Dr CZ has always chosen the easiest route in life… that of not expecting anything good to come out of that party. That way is a sure way of anti-doting self against any heartache.
With Morgan Tsvangirai in the back pocket, “traditional” chiefs in the back pocket, the military in the back pocket, the region in the back pocket and the international community also in the back pocket, can anyone show Dr CZ who can be scared of sham election to glean a veneer of legitimacy?
During the war of liberation, people were promised the sun and the moon. Come the so-called independence, nothing of the promised things arrived.
What arrived instead was power, absolute power that some say corrupts absolutely. In the first years, the promisers asked promisees to give them some time to fulfil the promises… and it went to five years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 37 years. Already Zimbos are being asked to give the new promisers more time.
Dr CZ has never taken Morgan Tsvangirai seriously, until recently when he proved his mettle as a politician. You see, even before his health started to misbehave, calls were getting strident by the day that the once pudgy trade unionist had overstayed his welcome at the helm of the opposition party. It was for this reason that Elton Mangoma and others were severely assaulted by the thugs at Harvest House.
Being someone who is not entirely democratic, but would want to be seen as one, Tsvangirai decided to pull a trick perfected by most members of the elite African Dictators’ Forum. He started the year by issuing a belated New Year message in which he disingenuously waffled about the need to make way for a younger generation, among other things. Immediately after making this show of hinting at his possible retirement, he unleashed his party’s youths and women to violently oppose any remote suggestion that he could be getting rid of himself. These made clear their position… that Tsvangirai is going nowhere, in the same way someone was supposed to run down this country from the grave. So the matter gets settled. The people do not want Tsvangirai to go, so he has no choice, but to stay. That way you cannot blame him for clinging to power, can you?
This is Africa!