Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I am increasingly getting concerned by the untoward behaviour of some of you members of my Cabinet and Politburo who rush to publicise some of the ideas that we discuss in very strict confidence in some of our brainstorming sessions, as government policy.
Early this year, our Finance Minister, Cde Pats rushed to announce that we were not going to pay our civil servants bonuses for the next two years even though this was just a suggestion that had only been mooted during our very private deliberations — with nothing solid agreed upon — resulting in me having to do a lot of fire-fighting to cool down tempers of our already restive civil servants.
Again, in one of our confidential deliberations, it was hazarded in passing that we could as well take advantage of the recent Supreme Court ruling to drastically reduce our bloated civil service salary bill, but before long some of you were being quoted in the media making pronouncements as if this was a definite position that our government had taken.
One of you was even reported to have told foreign investors that they could take advantage of these job loses to make their investments in this country worthwhile. One head of a parastatal was also quoted as saying there had been a government directive to this effect.
You and I all know the fence-sitting position that we decided to adopt… that we should continue dissociating ourselves with any job dismissals — both public and private — and that any parastatal that dismisses workers should appear to be doing it on its own without government’s blessings … we can even threaten to jail the heads of these enterprises!
This way, we cannot take the blame directly. Just like I pointed out in my address to you last week, everything should simply be blamed on the British and Americans.
However, this having been said, in the unlikely event that the government might be forced by circumstances to shed off surplus staff, we might have to find a credible way of still blaming this on the British and the Americans.
My suggestion is that, as Cde Pats has repeatedly pointed out before … that the civil service nearly doubled during the time of the inclusive government, we can still cleverly explain the retrenchments away by saying we are only removing from the civil service those people who were hired by the MDC formations into government structures as part of the broader agenda of their handlers in the West to destabilise our government.
We can also say most of the people on the government’s wage bill are in fact, ghost workers who were added to the payroll by the MDC-T, which controlled both the Finance and Public Service ministries during the time of the inclusive government.
We can also safely validate our claim by saying the MDC-T was working in criminal cahoots with some rogue elements that we have since dismissed from the party.
We would say it is because of these elements that the fruits of our wonderful economic blueprint, the Zimbabwe Agenda for Sustainable Social and Economic Transformation (Zim-Asset), have not started reaching our people in any meaningful way. We would then explain that by dismissing these saboteurs, we are just doing the right thing for Zim-Asset to work.
I know that quite a number of these people who were added to the civil service are largely members of our party’s Youth League who were strategically engaged as youth officers and were deployed to various ministries.
Because of this, we might not be able to outrightly disown them, but we can still explain that their recruitment was done in an irregular manner by those former members of the party who were working in cahoots with the MDC-T.
So, when these are removed from the civil service, we would palm them away with a promise that we would be giving them the highest preference when government starts recruiting as soon as Zim-Asset start bearing fruits. But we would have to sternly warn them that those that may openly appear to be disgruntled by this decision or are seen to be drifting towards the opposition would be blacklisted and they would never work in government again.
I just don’t know, but these are just suggestions, as you all agree with me that with the illegal sanctions upon us, the current civil service wage bill has become something like that proverbial axle that weighs more than the lorry. We cannot continue shying away from this sad fact for long. I will welcome any innovative suggestions from you.
AND TO CZ’S NOTEBOOK
As the only ISO-certified patriot in Zimbabwe, Dr CZ is validly livid. Why not? As we celebrate the month of our heroes he overheard some war veterans yawning loudly that they regret surviving the liberation war because they do not seem to see the milk and honey that their colleagues painfully died for in the liberation war.
Maybe it is high time we stopped using the American dollar because the currency appears to be getting cloyingly too sweet that some Zimbabweans are more than ready to sell their birthright!
Recently, Dr CZ passed by the scene of this tobacco-processing firm whose factory had been gutted by a hellish fire. Sitting outside the firm’s premises and having breakfast while the fire was raging, were fire fighters from the Harare City Council who were now stranded after battling to put the fire off for more than 24 hours. So stranded were these fire fighters that it could easily be seen on their tired faces. One could see that they had left everything in the hands of God, as it was clear that they no longer had any clue what-so-ever on how to deal with the inferno.
The other people Dr CZ has seen this stranded are ZANU-PF officials faced with a melting economy that they have not the slightest of clues how to get right.
Just like the Harare City fire fighters referred to above, it appears like the ZANU-PF government has since resigned the country’s economic fate to the hands of God and the gods, that is if the mid-term fiscal policy review statement recently delivered by our wearily Finance Minister, Patrick Chinamasa, is anything to go by.
Dr CZ is sometimes tempted to believe what he came across in his many readings… that fighting and winning a war is one thing, but running a country with any semblance of decency is something different altogether.
This is one of the reasons why Dr CZ might be tempted to end his working life in politics… this is one of the areas where one cannot be legally held accountable for anything. One can mess up as much as they can and still get rewarded handsomely at the end of the day. Anyway, Dr CZ always take solace from just accepting the fact that life is a game that was really ever meant to be fair.
Dr CZ knows for sure that it is not yet too late to send his heartfelt congratulations to the brand new legislator for his home constituency, Makokoba, Cde Tshinga Dube, who finally won the seat resoundingly in the June 10 by-election. Considering how much he had invested in the previous elections when he made all opaque beer in all municipal bars in the constituency free for several weeks on end, it was only fair that the brother gets a return on his generous investment. In remembering to send his congrats to the former soldier, Dr CZ is praying that the generous legislator — whose competency is available at the Zimbabwe Defence Industries (ZDI) for all and sundry to see — will also return the complement by sending Yours Truly a pair of made-in-China socks just like he did to those patriotic colleagues at The Chronicle. That would surely become handy not just this winter, but for several others to come.
With the likes of Cde Dube now in the august House, there is no doubt that the fruits of Zim-Asset will start ripening and falling to the ground to the masses to thoroughly enjoy. His accomplishments at the ZDI speak for themselves. This outfit was a relic of the settler colonial regime which Cde Dube made sure was thoroughly wiped out of the memory of Zimbabweans so that it does not interfere with the our revolutionary government’s colourful programmes like Zim-Asset. No other patriot could have done it better than Cde Dube.
Last, but not least, as all patriotic Zimbabweans are seized with the task of ensuring that Zim-Asset becomes the resounding success that it naturally would be, there are some key Zimbos that Dr CZ wish they appear more on our television screens. These characters include the likes Edward Raradza, Lovegot Tendengu of the Farmers Development Trust, “Chief” Musarurwa from Chikomba, among others.
These natural leaders are needed to help Zimbos keep their eye on the ball.