CABINET FILES With CZ
Dear Cabinet and
COMRADES, I can assure you that we will collect much more than the two million signatures that we initially targeted for our anti-sanctions campaign . . . from my humble predictions, we could get three to four fold that figure . . . which will go a long way in showing our detractors not only how popular our party and its causes are, but also why we are always winning elections by such huge margins.
I am told that the various organs of our great revolutionary party . . . the Women’s League, the youth, war veterans and others are doing a lot of groundwork to ensure that we get as many anti-sanctions signature as we can. These figures will definitely boost our confidence as we go for the constitutional referendum and the elections that will follow. I have no doubt what-so-ever that our party is on the rebound.
Ko aya mashura padunhu! I just hope we got him this time around. I mean this Morgan fellow. For those who might not know, Morgan has a new baby in Bulawayo! While some of us are busy worried about how to get the country back to its feet, some of our colleagues are busy making babies!
I knew we would eventually get him . . . we had to find a way of silencing him for good like we did with Pius. Only recently, he was being named in a love triangle with a married woman. And he seems to have escaped on that one. I just don’t understand how. Surely how can someone take someone wife and get away with it? As if this country has run short of single women. We know that his handlers paid a lot of money to that poor fellow and the crime died a natural death. But how will he get out of this latest one . . . E-eh what would his sons and daughters-in-law say?
Some people should really learn to be ashamed! I have no reason in my mind that this one will get him down and out . . . by the time we go for elections, he would be thoroughly discredited that only people who are out of their minds will vote for him . . . that is if he is so unashamed that he could still insist on standing against me.
Let’s wait and see.
. . . AND NOW TO THE NOTEBOOK
Despite being a super-patriot, CZ has not followed the Anti-Sanctions signature collection project . . . there are some projects that are simply not worth following!
So after the collection of the 14 million-plus John Hancocks . . . nearly all of which would be collected under duress, what next? Where will we take them to? London? Washington? We just wonder. At least CZ is safely not party to this one.
PM’s new baby!
Only a few weeks ago Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai was in the process of seizing someone’s wife in Bulawayo . . . so the story went. As we awaited more details on this juicy story, congratulations were in order as the brother-man was reportedly at it again. This time fathering a baby with a Bulawayo “girl”. Bulawayo! Whatever it is that the fellow sees in that city!
We really wonder what he is up to next! This is exactly the reason why CZ has kept himself out of politics . . . full grow men and women spend whole long nights plotting something against you while you are fast asleep!
The National Arts Council of Zimbabwe was thoroughly embarrassed after it emerged that the winner of the recently held National Arts Merit Award (NAMA) in the Outstanding Screen Production Television Drama “Hona Mwana Wako” has never been screened on our one and only broadcaster, the staid ZBC.
The national broadcaster’s spokesperson, Cde Sivukile Sim-ango confirmed in a fulsome interview that the monopoly had never aired the drama on any of its two tired channels. This is despite the requirement that only works that have been broadcast are eligible for the race. How did this happen? Hopefully CZ’s brother T. Deve is no longer the chairperson of the adjudicating committee otherwise how will he explain this walking scandal away?
In the meantime, CZ’s opinion is that the dishonourable adjudicators not only need to return any allowances that they might have wheedled from the National Arts Council, but dismiss themselves peremptorily.
They are fraudsters peddling bottled smoke . . . otherwise there is no other valid explanation for this criminal dereliction of duty!
And another thing! As much as Cde Simango was this time around surprisingly useful to the Press by doing what he is handsomely being paid to do, there is one thing that he overlooked. As much as his confirmation served to embarrass the National Arts Council and its NAMA adjudicators, we think he also inadvertently embarrassed his employer as well! His comments were quite revealing about the “public” broadcaster’s audience! The fact that even judges of national competitions like NAMA cannot stand watching any of the broadcaster’s two TV channels speak volumes about the type of product ZBC is tying to foist on Zimbos. After hundreds of people — including artists, and journalists —attended the event, the fact that it took more than a week before this scandal was discovered speaks volumes about public opinion on ZBC. It has discredited itself so thoroughly that people no longer take it as a serious broadcaster. That is why they simply ignore it out of existence.
We were amazed that even the director of the winning drama confessed that he didn’t know when his work might have been screened!
By the way which recent survey showed that viewers were fleeing from ZTV in their droves? Shouldn’t we all bow our heads in collective shame?
We really feel sorry for Big Brother Africa losing finalist Cde Munyaradzi Chidzonga for the robbery that took place at his new Chisipite home which saw him losing cash and some assets worth an (over)estimated US$10 000. That was really sad for the Diamond Boy who made a name for himself by emerging a winning loser from the M-Net reality TV series after high profile Zimbo well-wishers fund-raised a princely US$300 000 for him.
He said of the robbers: “I hope they will be arrested soon because they stole property that I bought with my hard-earned cash.” We pray the young man was quoted right!
Still on hard-earned cash, has it been confirmed that the auditions for this year’s intake for BBA are taking place this weekend? It is high time CZ does everything to make sure that — patriotic as he is — he gets the privilege and honour to represent his country this time around. As all can see, there are lots of featherbeddings that awaits CZ when re returns home! Cde Munya can now boast of three gardeners, etc, etc! What more can one ask for in life?
Still on windfalls to do with reality shows, if CZ’s rusty memory still serves him good enough, he remembers some local politicians threatening us with our own indigenised version of BBA, Big Brother Zimbabwe. We very much look forward to it . . . even if the entrée is a party membership card, some of us will produce a dozen of those! We await . . . hopefully it will not come after the second coming of Jesus Christ!
Last week, a colleague wanted to post some documents . . . and she was shocked that the nearest Zimpost office had no stamps! These illegal sanctions are really real, aren’t they?
Whether we like it or not, the English language continues to grow richer by the day. Below are the latest additions to the rich Queen’s language:
Mubarak (verb) — To stick to something or to glue something e.g. “I will Mubarak you to the wall” or “you can Mubarak the pieces together?” Mubarak (adjective) — Slow to learn or understand e.g. “Why do you have to be so Mubarak? Mubarak (noun) — A psychotic ex-boyfriend/girlfriend who fails to understand that it is all over!
Who knows, there could be Gaddafi and many more!