We might repossess some farms, Cdes

Dear Cabinet and
Politburo members

COMRADES, as you are aware I am enjoying my annual vacation. I hope, following the recent activity that resulted in the removal of chaff and deadwood from both the party and government, the dust is fast settling down and people are now focusing on the bright future that is now a certainty.

I have no doubt, that after the people have shown in a practical way that no one is indispensable, all those of you who are privileged to have been trusted to lead the people heretofore will do exactly that, not to mislead the people as what was increasingly being done by those dissidents.

It has just been brought to my attention that most of these dissidents tried to sell their treasonous mischief to the people attractively packaged as the Zimbabwe Agenda for Sustainable Socio-Economic Transformation (Zim-Asset) … whenever they organised their meetings. They claimed they were educating the people on the fundamental principles of this economic blueprint, when they were in fact out there to sabotage the party and the government. It should not therefore come to you as a surprise that not much groundwork has been covered in delivering the benefits of the actual Zim-Asset to the people.

What this means is that all of you Cdes have to hit the ground running, so that we can recover something of the time that was wasted by these saboteurs. My sixth sense tells me that this sabotage was not only confined to Zim-Asset, but to every other government programme in general.

One area that we should urgently look at is the agricultural sector, more so because this Didymus fellow once presided over the lands portfolio… you will be shocked to realise that most of the productive farms were deliberately kept away from people who are serious about farming, and instead were given to members of his cabal. Even the issue of the farms being secretly leased to the former white commercial farmers could be more widespread than we thought.

If the people did not hesitate to relieve these people from their party and government positions, what will stop the same people from kicking these people — who for all intents and purposes have committed patriotic apostasy — out of those farms as well?

Anyway, I do not want to appear like I am inciting anyone to engage in needless acts of revenge or lawlessness. We should also not appear like a people with rancorous hearts. We understand that serious investigations are already underway and the law should naturally take its course. Let’s wait and see. In the meantime, I will be winding up my vacation — which I enjoyed so much.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely

…AND CZ’s Notebook

Being a typical Zimbo, it should not come as a surprise at all that Dr CZ crossed over into the brand new year of our graceful Lord, Two Thousand and Fifteen, from a year that was a year-and-a-half which many politicians would like to forget in a hurry. For the first time in many years, Dr CZ entered a new year without having to pay anyone, anything. If this had anything to do with the cleaning up that took place in the ruling party in the penultimate days of the preceding year, then everyone of goodwill should look forward to more and more cleansings in that party!

What in fact happened was that, in the haste to get over with it before party gatekeepers demanded what is now accepted as due to them, Dr CZ only realised that he had fast-tracked himself almost to 2018. Thanks to some axes, spears, sjamboks and catapults and a panoply of other weaponry that he saw hanging at the entrance point, Dr CZ was forced to retreat to the correct calendar date!

So the fact of the matter is that as things stand right now, Dr CZ is still there to dutifully serve both his fans and detractors alike as he has been doing over the past few years. Those who wish otherwise might as well wish the sun does not rise!

Following the heavy rains that made most roads especially in Harare near impassable with gaping potholes (Dr CZ is told that it is no longer a case of roads having potholes, but potholes having roads!) a number of self-styled pundits have been queuing up to condemn what they claimed is evidence of mal-administration by the opposition-controlled local authorities.

As much as the so-called city fathers have not been useful in the face of the problems the residents have been forced to face, the problem only seems to be a microcosm of bigger problems (the politically correct term is “challenges”) at the national level. The country itself has not been managing itself in an exemplary manner. Before they queue to excoriate the City of Harare, Zimbos, most of whom have painfully short memories, might need to be reminded that barely 18 months ago, when the country was being dragged into harmonised election, the powers-that-be decreed that all unpaid bills in all urban authorities (running into hundreds of millions!) be wiped clean. This was a sure-fire election winner, but sadly, it left all urban authorities hopelessly crippled financially.

Curiously those who benefitted from this dubious act of generosity cannot readily come forward to accept the blame for this sorry state of affairs. “Your memory is a monster; you forget — it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you — and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!” said prolific writer, John Irving, in his book A Prayer for Owen Meany!

Still criminal
Dr CZ will continue to insist that it is criminal by half for the government, through the cash-strapped Grain Marketing Board (GMB), to pay almost US$400 for a tonne of maize in the name of national food security when the commodity costs less than US$150 in neighbouring countries.

This week we were told that the government had just paid over US$50 million, which is half of what is outstanding to farmers, for maize delivered to GMB.  The truth of the matter is that most of the money went into the pockets of middlemen who are connected to some crooked politicians in this country. Some of these “chefs” are even importing the maize from the neighbouring countries for re-sale to GMB while pretending to be farmers.

That is why these mandarins insist that GMB sets a “producer” price. If the idea of a generous “producer” price worked, the country would be having the highest grain reserve, as everyone would be stampeding to deliver their produce to the parastatal.  This is not the case because real farmers know that the real GMB does not pay real farmers promptly. Real farmers are only paid when the money is useless to them.

Dr CZ is still human. He was naturally saddened by the fact that several people lost their lives in the past week as a result of floods that resulted from the heavy downpours in most parts of the country. Sadly, this has been happening over and over again and our people never seem to learn anything from experience.

Some of these deaths could have been avoided… like in cases where some villagers, desperate to bless their taste buds with something different from a daily diet of dried vegetables, ventured out to fish. Remember it is in these conditions when cat-fish can be caught so easily.  Then there are those superstitious ones who just cannot move their homes to higher ground because they cannot leave graves of their ancestors behind, blah, blah. In all honesty, these people should blame the same ancestors for forsaking them when a mishap like this strikes.

Meanwhile, in cases like these, looking towards our government for help is sheer waste of time because we can safely blame this on “the illegal sanctions imposed by the West” as usual!

Dr CZ is still a charitable person, so he sees no reason not to commiserate with a number of ZANU-PF members who lost their ministerial jobs in the second round of the tsunami that has been washing away many, including some traditional heavyweights. Of these, Dr CZ especially feels sorry for former social welfare & something deputy minister Cde Tongai Muzenda — son of the late vice president of Zimbabwe Simon Muzenda — whose most obvious crime was that he is married to the daughter of disgraced former vice president Joice Mujuru.

In order to make sure that the ship remains on even keel, while Tongai was being dismissed, his sister Tsitsi Muzenda was being summoned to national duty. So much about playing a tricky tribal balancing act!


  • Smoke

    Whom did you use to pay, Dr. CZ?

  • gutter poet

    Welcome to 2015..I hope you will continue to make us laugh away the blues as you have done over the years…

    Here is one to cheer you up..

    A lady teacher was on a Christmas holiday sea cruise where she reported in her diary as follows:

    Dear Diary- Day one- The Captain of the ship made a proposal to me which was unbefitting of an officer and a gentleman. I politely declined his propo.
    Day 2.- The captain threatened to sink the ship if I did not give in to his demands
    Day 3- This morning I saved 600 lives…

    There you go CZ. I hope you enjoyed this..

  • gutter poet

    Talking land reform..is this ever going to end any time near soon? I have a case where bloody noses and high blood pressure were the result of clashes in Mazoe where some crazy youth gangs invaded farms belong to some war veterans who themselves have been settled there since 2000 or thereabouts. It is the middle of the rainy season and these youths did not care that the war vets had planted maize which was almost two feet high whence they started planting their own in the same field. The youths were even brave enough to tell the veterans that they built their houses ten years ago on land that was allocated to them never mind the fact that some of the youths were in diapers when the land was allocated to the war veterans..This sounds crazy but it happened. The war vets ganged up and attacked the youth who in turn also put up fierce resistance. Now the officers of the Lands Ministry who are quite famous for being corrupt themselves held a meeting to re-assure the ex combatants that it was within their right to continue farming and give the youths the middle finger..Question becomes who is behind these misguided youths? A big story is unfolding here and you CZ should start putting your searchlight on this issue. The sooner the nonsense ends the better. People should be given title for this so-called reform programme is to make sense. In the above case, some argue there is a big wheel behind this as the new capital is going to be built in the area and a real state bonus is being seen by the pirate thieves behind the invasions..It is just down right crazy if you ask me. As long as the land reform remains inconclusive thieves and madmen will continue making nonsense of the whole exercise..and here begins a rather ugly tale indeed.

  • tatenda jenya

    You are witty! Liked the part “balancing tribal act” Keep up the good work.

  • gutter poet

    I realise I am guilty as charged of overkill..defined elsewhere as ‘too much monotonous exposure’ to this column of yours Dr. CZ..I simply could not resist posting this. The fight in our political class has absolutely nothing to do with why we put them into office. We put them into office so that they improve our welfare not trade insults with opposition and between themselves..its crazy. It is like the case of the father who totally missed the point here:

    Girl- You know dad I aint a virgin no more
    Father- Thousands of dollars I have poured into your boarding school and you still ‘aint!’

    There you go doctor!

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